synthesised

Emily Browning - Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)

2011-07-16T17:57:00.002+10:00

a really dark song accompanied by a really dark arrangement. probably the best cover of those simple lyrics. this caught my ear when watching Sucker Punch where this song was telling a dark tale of how an orphan is born. (that, by the way, was the only remarkable storytelling part of the movie)

The Tragedy

2011-07-14T21:20:00.002+10:00

of a generation.

Yesterday, while getting home, I heard an advertisement over the radio. It was a simple one: "Ever wanted to play sports but had no one to do it with?" The answer was plain and simple. A service called "rent-a-mate" is now available for anyone who needs a friend to do an activity with. I know it sounds very much like an adult escort service but it is not; it is platonic.

This makes me wonder what sort of a society we have evolved into. It used to be only sex that could be sold because presumably it was in "short supply" but now even just normal social interaction can be sold and for up to $70/hr. Weren't Facebook and Tweeter just recently touted as the answer to the modern day loneliness? This made me ponder.

Sydney is undoubtedly one of the dream cities in the world. There are so many things to do. An outdoor lover has mountains, creeks, forests and endless beaches. An aesthetically-minded has museums, theatres and even a world-renowned Opera House. A party animal has an inexhaustible number of clubs and pubs. A nature lover has a huge botanical garden along with the riches the soil here has to offer. A foodie will find delicacies from all over the world, immaculately made and served. A shopper has malls both flat and risen filled with desirable brands. A computer geek can grab his dose of hardware from reasonably priced stores...

Yet this is the very city where the friend rental service found its first niche market. I ruminated on this unlikely phenomenon and came up with a theory: the city is resource-rich but time-poor. And not just normal time poverty where people are busy, like in most major cities. Sydney's dwellers struggles with an impossible cost of living that sets the expectation that everyone is to be competitive, in every way. At the same time, the city needs to live up to the true Australian spirit of having "no worries". This meant that everyone worked like a horse but had to still be as relaxed as a cat in front of a fire. It is a role that one can only fill if one devotes his/her entire waking life to running this show.

You see, the Japanese are busy but they don't hide it. They even have places set up specifically to let people relax and vent because stress from a busy life is recognised.

Here though, people are expected to be brilliant and productive at work and at home, at jobs and at play. There are places for relaxing and enjoying but however there is too little time. To be able to enjoy them, you have to be uncompromising in your allocation of free time. If you are a music-lover specifically inclined towards Pop for instance, you would have spent all your time procuring Lady Gaga's exclusive concert in Town Hall yesterday, then selected a perfect costume, dressed yourself up and went for it like a devoted "monster". If you were a skier, you would have packed yourself up and ready for a weekend trip to the snow by Monday. There is no chance you will accommodate someone else's itinerary.

Activities are scheduled well in advance. There's little spontaneity. An event is screened for it fitting personal criteria of enjoyability and then RSVP-ed for. Everyone leads life executing their schedules. Friends have to be like-minded because of this desire to fulfil the best matrix of activities.

The only compromises are reserved for partners and spouses. Everyone yearns for an accommodating mate so that accounts for most people have a partner they stick to, with love. For those without a partner, you either have that like-minded friend or you're alone because you cannot convince that acquaintance to compromise and do an activity you enjoy.

Maybe, and that is only my conjecture, this is why a friend-rental service can be set up in such poor economic climate. We are all poorer in time.

Now, about that trip to the blue mountains I planned for tomorrow... yeah, no one's going to come along as there always hasn't been. Well, pity.

The illusion

2011-07-02T21:10:00.002+10:00

of an illusion

I had been brooding over this for a while. A science practical I had last year I think made me realise something I had taken for granted all my life. It was something very intimate, quite literally. It was our sense of touch.

All my life I thought I knew what wet or dry was. This was until we were told to slip on a pair of latex gloves and put our hands in running water. The sensation was simple: it was cold and water was running down my skin. My brain immediately concluded that my hands are wet. Then, we moved the same hand into a tank of water at 37˚C. Minus the cold, running water, I realised my hands were still dry, just as they were when I slipped on the gloves.

Now that winter's arrived proper, drying my laundry outside the house reminded me of this. The clothes chilled by the wind outdoors felt wet to my hands. There was no way for me to determine if they were wet or dry till it warms to room temperature.

What a funny sense.

What are you worried about?

2011-05-10T22:42:00.003+10:00

a question we don't ask enough because we're afraid to listen.

It's a Pandora box.

It's a question that stops you in your tracks to consider what your life's stresses are. After all, worries are not something that are easy to resolve. This is so true to the extent most of us seldom air it. It just stays there in the background of every single thing we do in a day's work. Then, at night, when it's all quiet and nothing remains to distract us, it keeps us up.

Yet most of us seem to be able to cope with an incredible load of worries. We accumulate it life event after life event and we hide it like dust swept under a carpet. On the surface, most of us are seemingly carefree; not many people ask so we don't tell.

But when someone does ask, we are forced to dig it up and pour it out. The asker will probably get drowned in our sorrows, we think. And rightly so.

Hence, knowing this, we don't ask. We also refuse to tell till it eats us inside and manifests as some sort of physical or mental ailment. Finally, we become desperate enough to spill it out to someone we trust.

How deleterious is this process?

A full rainbow at the beach

2011-04-28T21:53:00.003+10:00

what a relief...

If you knew me, you would've known I've had a shit number of weeks.

Today was just one of those days. It was raining patchily through the day - week, in fact - and I barely made it back home dry. As I was walking back home, I noticed the sun's come up! What a delight! I can finally go jogging with some warmth.

I changed into my jogging gear and promptly left the house. I started jogging happily and then half way before my turning point, the rain caught up. It was already cold in the wind but those icy needles of rain just made it worse. I didn't like it at all.

When I reached the fitness station where I usually do some exercise before turning back home, I noticed far out at the sea was a small bit of rainbow. You see, the sun was setting and it was raining in the east out at sea. Any parts of the horizon with rain had a little patch of rainbow.

The rain had stopped then so I relaxed and took a slow jog back.

I noticed as I ran, the rainbow got bigger and more complete. When I eventually got back to the cliffs where I started, a full rainbow stretching from end to end appeared right in front of me in the ocean. I was in the centre of it. The sun was right behind me and all its rays projected to just the correct angle making an arch of rainbow in its entirety out at sea.

A guy on his bicycle rode up near me on the cliffs and just went, "What the..."

I soaked up the scenery knowing it was transient; I couldn't reach a camera before the sun set completely. It was comforting knowing that there was something at the end of all that rain. Maybe, just maybe, it would all get better.

By the time I got home, I was dry. And it started pouring.

Is it not a mad, mad world?

2011-04-26T01:10:00.000+10:00

tell me about it.

Maybe I'm the mad one.

Grorillaz - On Melancholy Hill (Live Lounge)

2011-04-24T15:16:00.001+10:00

what a cold, cold track.

Anti-Difference

2011-04-21T22:57:00.003+10:00

is it just being stubborn?

There're 101 things I can cite if I really hate something or someone. And I found that most of it has to do with the fact that they're different from what I expect them to be.

Say if someone I live with decided to use 2 rolls of toilet paper per day. I would instantly develop vehement hate against that person. He's not environmentally friendly. He's not mentally sound (why would anyone need so much toilet paper???). Where is he going to dispose them off? By choking the toilet bowl? Who's going to replace those toilet rolls when they're exhausted? What if I need toilet paper and they're none left? How can I tell this guy you don't need so much toilet paper? When can this person become more sensible? Why do I have to live with this person? ...

As you can tell, I can very systematically create an amount of hate that wonders why does this person even exist anyway? But, what if this is just how the person is? What if my sparing use of toilet paper just judged by that person as a different or unhygienic practice?

You see, it's really about perspective and drawing conclusions. I think I am normal and therefore people deviating from my practices are abnormal. Then, I go the further step by expecting that they correct their behaviour and this is precisely the root of my "hate". I don't embrace the difference because I'm quite obsessed about normality.

Am I insane? Perhaps, but I think those who think I am are insane themselves. Seriously, who uses 2 rolls of toilet paper a day???

I should try to be more accommodating but where do I start? Perhaps from my own obsessive nature. While my logical brain finds it difficult to condone irrelevant and illogical actions by others, somehow it builds tolerance to seemingly inane actions of its own. For instance, I need the kitchen counter wiped clean (of crumbs, gravy, oil, jam, bits of vegetables left behind by previous users) before I start cooking. This is even though I know I'll mess it up again after starting to cook. But I rationalise it perfectly by citing hygiene reasons and the potential of contaminating food I accidentally drop on the counter.

Now, this is absolute nonsense because if I'm cooking the food I prepare, there aren't many things that could be toxic and stay toxic after being heated. (Disclaimer: Many chemicals do retain toxicity after being boiled but those are rarely if at all found on the kitchen counter. I suppose by "things" I mean diarrhoea-causing microbes.) But my brain finds nothing wrong with this. I do it ritualistically because I enjoy the neatness and starting off on a clean slate.

How do I gain this tolerance for others? Well, I seem to have thrown more questions open than before I started.

I love this weather.

2011-04-19T22:12:00.002+10:00

while it lasts!!!

Averaging at 20˚C throughout the day means I don't have to turn my fan on nor my heater. It means there's no background noise at all and any music I choose to play reverberates well around my room.

Well, that until the din in the kitchen wakes me up from the surreal bath of great sound.

Through veiled glasses

2011-04-16T11:14:00.001+10:00

then, maybe it ain't that bad after all?

Everything looks better veiled, even if it's all shattered and broken.

Been better?

2011-04-14T21:17:00.003+10:00

i think so.

not-at-fault car accident. hard to prove.

insufficient sleep for too many days. recovering from it.

victim of credit card fraud. investigations pending.

friends with troubles. can't be solved; much like my own.

far too much to do. at home and away.

What happened to my usual bullet-dodging life? I remember being able to wake up from a nightmare and be relieved that it didn't happen for real. Perhaps the universe wishes me to be more responsible...

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, or so they say. Anything that happens exerts its toll. And what if there is no silver lining? How do you live with it?

Worse could happen. Yeah, I know and I'm grateful that it's not as bad as it could be.

Can I not lose focus at this time? Can I? These few days have been so long and so exacting that any amount of sleep didn't seem enough. It's almost as though time had been distorted. Obviously the perception of time has always been altered by mental states but this one stretched far out. Perhaps all that's needed is a quiet moment of meditation. An observance of the thoughts that are erupting out of my head. Things won't necessary become clearer but I know when my mind is set on another issue, some of these will muddle up. That way, it'll become better. After all, denial's a way of sorting out what cannot be sorted out.

How blind are we?

2011-03-16T22:42:00.002+11:00

seriously.

This morning, I was staring at my mobile phone and walking as I do sometimes.

Then, as I walked, I half-noticed someone with a walking stick ahead of me. When I finally decided to take my eyes off the phone, I saw that the stick had alternating red and white paint on it. I stumbled a little at the thought that I was on a collision course with a blind lady but regained my composure and dodged swiftly to my right.

It was a close call. I really wondered how bad I would have been to crash into a blind person. It's just inappropriate although I would suppose he/she would be more forgiving than any seeing person.

Perhaps we're all quite blind ourselves...

Helpless

2011-03-15T17:57:00.003+11:00

hey?

You know you're helpless when you want to scream but you can't. When you eventually call out, no one listens. And when someone does listen, there's nothing that can be done.

That's perhaps what helplessness sounds like.

Japanese Quakes

2011-03-13T16:02:00.002+11:00

When I heard about it via radio, I didn't quite grasp the extent of the disaster. Then, when I finally had time to read the papers online, the images I saw were that of a Hollywood disaster movie.

I saw an aerial video of the tsunami happening and watched as the waves dragged along burning houses, cap-sized boats and cars along with it. As the video played, a few drivers were still speeding along a road trying to escape the waves that looked less than a few hundred metres behind. Whether they escaped, I don't know. From there, I can imagine how horrible a crisis it must have been.

The Japanese who coined the word 'tsunami' and known to have the best earthquake preparations throughout the world succumbed to the forces. How in the world can anyone escape? How helpless would the rest of the world be?

We can only pray for their sakes that the nuclear meltdown won't happen.

Living.

2011-02-26T21:41:00.003+11:00

hey

You know what? If it makes you ecstatic listening to a song you love played on radio, choose a pop song as your favourite. It'll definitely be played a couple of times a day and you'll be cheered up a couple of times a day.

*****

I met up with an old friend yesterday at Canberra. Somehow, I drove down there hoping to find some company to climb up Mount Kosciuszko again. Yet, I got more than I bargained. That old friend, an immature and mischievous boy in school, changed. His outlook to life, his perspective in things, and even his entire persona had developed so much from when I last met him. From being an average Joe, he turned into someone who was looking to succeed in life.

He was decisive enough to just tag along when I asked him to go to the highest peak in this country. Such generosity and humility to give time seemed far and few.

When I reached the peak, I saw a sight that I will never forget. My eyes departed from the rock solid ground that had been so boundless and set its sights on what was ahead. With a blue tint, I saw shades of mountains, layers after layers as if there was no end. Every single one of those peak were below me. I eyeballed the 360˚ uninterrupted horizon.

There, I wondered. Have I done enough? Have I been joking around too much? Questions I used to understood and knew how to handle. Yet now, I wondered quietly.

*****

I was at the hairdresser on Thursday. Before going in, I had a thought, "Was my hair long enough?" As the lady crafted her way on my head, a man walks in. He had 1cm of hair 0n his head.

"Are you here for a haircut?" the lady at the counter asked. The man nodded.

I can almost hear the entire saloon laughing in loud.

Ellie Goulding - Your Song (Radio 1's Live Lounge)

2011-01-14T02:34:00.004+11:00

been so long since i last posted those rare random songs that mattered... this is one classic covered oh so perfectly.

Pictures of yore

2010-12-15T23:35:00.005+11:00

as i cleaned out my computer and reinstalled, i realise how much digital photography has changed

I recall the excitement of owning my first ever mobile phone camera, a Nokia. I had not even a digital camera then. A small little photo snapped on the phone gave me so much delight. It took so many steps and connections to get that photo into my computer and it took a whole lot more to get it uploaded and posted to the internet.

You see, back then, there were no pictures uploading streamlined on online journals (Blogger was not even created then!) It took them a couple of years before they implemented the pictures uploading feature. Note: There was no Flickr nor Facebook as well. I had to abuse my geek prowess to find an FTP host which allowed "hotlinking" (which means allowing you to use the photo by linking from another server) and add the picture with HTML.

As I browsed the oldest pictures I own, I realised I had so few of them that I actually named photos by what they were! I had things like street_lights.jpg, dog.jpg. I didn't quite realised that could become a problem even as I approached rainbow_10.jpg. After all, they were at that time really just blotches of pixels. You could hardly make a face out of a portrait.

Then, I had better phones and the images started cluttering up. At that time, I developed a system of folders. So dog pictures would all be found in the folder "Animals" and rainbows all in the folder "Nature". It was intuitive.

It never occurred to me that a date/event system was ever needed until 2006 when I got a real camera from dad, my trusty FZ-50 which I still use now! Can't believe it's 4 years old...

That was when pictures actually became perfectly reproduced masterpieces. But they clogged up all the organisation systems I had until eventually, I let iPhoto manage all my photos and I don't even see the files anymore. I only see pictures in events automatically imported into my computer simply by inserting my memory card.

Is there a virtue in all these? Has having potentially unlimited number of pictures made us senselessly trigger happy? Will not naming or even looking at some of the pictures I had taken be the end of meaningful photo albums? What happens when I lose all these digital images? How precious exactly are those blotches of pixels so many years back? When do we consider them antiques or priceless (especially since they're not even physical)? Where would they go when I'm gone?

You would think digital photography made it simple. But really, there're quite a complex lot of questions.

In the bigger scheme of things

2010-12-14T22:22:00.003+11:00

where do we stand?

I enjoy escaping. If I had the choice, I'll be in the middle of a vast landscape.

When I'm in the midst of that, my mind will be cleared. It is almost as if I had entrusted all my thoughts to my surroundings. Every void in my sight, I let a strain of thought fill until eventually my mind is rid of thoughts. Then, my mind will be capable of focusing immensely on an issue.

So I go further and climb higher to have those moments of clarity.

Maybe that is why when I'm back home, I'm always so stuck in thoughts. There were not many places to clear my mind. There was no vast landscape save for the desktop wallpaper that I so ritualistically select.

I wonder if it's really a good thing sometimes. Because it appears the more I think and sort things out, the less I write. Perhaps that explains the decline in the number of posts. I am certainly less preoccupied now than when I was in the military. It seems somewhat odd that I'm writing less.

But thought it seems, are one of those things where less can be more.

Candlelight Boy

2010-12-03T00:50:00.005+11:00

i was wondering, is it even possible?

When I first heard Coldplay's preview to Christmas Lights, an idea got into my head. Christmas may not always be the happiest season. This was contrary to what I had believed it to be - a season of jolly. Even when I did volunteer work during Christmas, I saw the bright side of things because Christmas is the season of giving. I saw people, even those in dire need, light up in hope.

But is it always this way?

When I heard, "Oh, still waiting for the snow to fall, doesn't really feel like Christmas at all."

That set a harrowing tone... but that's the way things are sometimes. An image appeared in my head, a homeless boy wandering on Christmas night. At least he still had a candle (reminded by New College Village's Christmas Carol night). I had a couple of minutes so I drew a quick sketch to remind myself that this was an idea I should devote some time to.

Then, I sat on the idea. I was waiting for the full version of Christmas Lights to let the inspiration flow. I was also doubting myself. I questioned if I could possibly interpret the complexity of the perspectives in this artwork. Even if I did managed to draw it properly, how would I colour it?

There was quite an obvious lack of knowledge in perspectives, shading and just plain drawing. What's worse, I only had a mouse.

Fortunately though, the mouse was a Razer. And Coldplay's Christmas Lights did not disappoint at all. It is perhaps the most humble portrayal of Christmas and starts on a sad note. Although as the song progressed, the mood lifted. Then, there were lights and it became beautiful. I especially loved the balloons released from the ferry.

Somehow, I believed it could be done.

I started with the background, a dark night. Then I planted the moon and gave it a smooth though still dark gradient. The bench was perhaps the most fundamental part. I started with it and realised I could actually draw without outlines. It made shading and perspectives easier. I tried imagine how the boy would look like.

That was the most difficult part. I procrastinated and drew the grass. Then I started to make shapes of the hair, head, t-shirt and pants. The head and shirt both looked weird because I still haven't gotten my head around the perspectives.

I deviated from my pursuit and started drawing a tree. It started like most trees do, a seed and then branches. Eventually, I put leaves in and it looked like a tree.

Reluctantly, I went back to the boy... I had no idea how to continue so I erased the face and started over. Eventually, I got the shape right and the pieces just fell into place.

When I finally drew the boy's hands and put the candle in place, I smiled. Finally when I "lit" the candle and shaded in the glow on the boy's face and hands, I gleamed =)

It turned out to be possible, without lines.

Of Comedy, Ricky Gervais's

2010-11-24T23:18:00.003+11:00

the best medicine

So I've been hooked on to Ricky Gervais's wit and humour and that's a WHOLE lot to get through. I've finished all his live shows - Animals, Politics, Fame, and Science.

It's funny how we all just need a good laugh, some of us more than others. What's more funny is the fact that it's not exactly light dinner table humour. He delves into taboo subjects like obesity, disabilities, homosexuality, religion (the bible), fame, etc. - heavy subjects that you wouldn't usually have a go at.

The truth is, it's probably easier to take offence than to laugh at some of his jokes. But that's how humour is: you really have to stomach that joke, let it twist and turn a little in there and then let it out as a hearty laugh. I guess that's what's therapeutic about laughing.

Go have a listen if you're in need of a little mucking around. Who knows, you may learn a thing or two, or at the very least become happier as short-lived as that may be. But what the heck we only live for a century tops, if you could have enough short-lived happiness throughout, you'll probably be a very happy person!

Neither here nor there

2010-11-17T00:11:00.002+11:00

it's the most dreadful feeling, really

And so I've landed myself in such a situation where I'm not headed back to Singapore right after exams, and yet I'm not staying in Sydney enough to have a meaningful summer job.

Pat, pat, why do you always get yourself stuck in the middle?

It is not so much an obligation than it is a duty. I am doing the right thing here. Doing the right thing it seems is always hard.

I find myself in the middle of locals and international students here where my schedules leave none of the internationals around (who've all gone home) and out of sync with the locals who're so used to being around all summer. And living away in the Eastern suburbs doesn't help with interaction either.

It's a bummer.

Comprehension

2010-11-08T20:16:00.003+11:00

all that neurology

I realised over the last course of neurology that life as we are conscious 0f (as in capable of sensing) is limited.

The fact that if we lost some faculties in our brain such as our right parietal lobe, we would neglect the entire left side of our world is when I realised this. Yet, we would not even be aware that a left part of the world ever existed.

It is the same with vision. Most of us would live our lives without knowing we had a blind spot. (Although the other eye + memory compensates for that.)

What is more surprising is that the basic colours or rather the colours of "our world" is just made up of red, green and blue. That is defined by none other than the cone cell population in our retina. We cannot ever imagine a world with 4 colours. It's just impossible to make out how it would be like except as our lecturer quipped, "Televisions would be more expensive to make."

This lack of comprehension of colours is best demonstrated by going into a dark room with very little light. The very little light will only activate rod cells in our retina (which respond to only green). You would realise that you only can differentiate between what has light and what doesn't and not whether the colour is green. It's not because of a lack of comparison, it is simply because only the green component of any light source is perceived.

So after struggling philosophically for a whole course, after all my revision, I have realised it just is so. There may really be things out there we do not know of, cannot comprehend because we lack the faculties to. And that's it. There's no way to fix this. Coming up with a colours chart for 4 primary colours would be pointless because I would just see a blank area that I have to label with another colour I can visualise.

The Sesame Effect

2010-10-31T18:27:00.003+11:00

one of those stories

There is this box above the refrigerator where old man stores his biscuits (specifically biscuit because he hides other things like cookies/shortcakes elsewhere). It's a big box and the lid is kinda torn but that's fine, the humidity here doesn't spoil biscuits exposed.

Ever since I came to stay, I would sneak one or two of his biscuits every once in a while. He knows I do that and would replace it whenever it gets low. He'll even tell me sometimes when he doesn't refill the box that he's wanting to clear out the box because there are too much crumbs.

I do my part to fill it up sometimes too but I can never find biscuits as nice-tasting those he picks up with his poor vision. It's amusing sometimes when I ask him for the brand of a particularly delicious biscuit but he just wonders for a minute and says, "Uhhh I don't know!"

And I continue randomly buying biscuits in the supermarket to see if I find it.

Some time last week, I saw he'd emptied the box and put in new biscuits. Hungry from a run, I opened the lid and took a piece. I took a bite and then suddenly, I felt like I was back home. There was such a familiar flavour. Then, I remembered, it was the taste was what you'd find when you first bite into the sweet-tasting chestnut pie ("ma ti su"). As if expecting it to be the exact same thing, I hoped the taste following will be sweet but no.

I realised it was simply the sesame seeds in the biscuit that mimicked the taste.

I reminisced about my grandmother (also 94 this year like old man) who also had a box of biscuits. When I was young, I would feast on them with my sisters. You never get tired of those simple biscuits. I think the elderly may not know much about all that flashy technological stuff but they know biscuits well enough to put a smile on your face.

Dear Coldplay

2010-10-30T23:45:00.003+11:00

if only i could write a letter to those guys, it'll sound like this

Dear Coldplay,

I am running out of good music to listen to. I have already overplayed all your old songs from Parachutes to Prospekt's March and watched the brilliantly recorded Live at the BBC so many times, I know when Chris starts dancing wildly. Don't get me wrong, the old tracks are really great and have kept me going through good times and not-so-good ones.

This isn't a cry from a crazy fan but a genuine music lover. Good tunes keep me alive much like fresh food and clean water. I am an addict for sincerely written music and there aren't enough playing on the radio these days.

Please make a great album (it doesn't have to be flashy, keep it green) soon and come perform live in Australia or Singapore. I will certainly buy it.

Thank you for making the world a better place one track at a time.

Yours sincerely,

Patrick

PS I bought tickets to your Sydney concert in 2009 but missed it due to unforeseeable circumstances and probably left 3 empty seats in the concert. It won't happen again, I promise.

A cynic's world & On humility

2010-10-17T21:30:00.006+11:00

a cyclic amusement

Shame, shame on you world.

I lift your thin, silky veil and all I see is vile.

Have you nothing to offer than your goods of hypocrisy?

What terrible distress to be dwelling in!

Every inch of truth fills me with anger.

Until I let the veil back on,

And allow my own hypocrisy to devour me.

Then, shame, shame on me.

For what joy should I take in learning the ways of the world?

*****

Humility is the word. From the many dinner parties I have served in, I have seen distinguished guests of many walks. However, the respect I have for those served are those who respect the server. Although I realise in saying that, I'm speaking with much disdain myself labelling those who are not humble enough to have gratitude as snobbish.

Still, I have found the most distinguished of guests have the characteristics of gratitude, respect and humility of the highest order. So much so that I realise I am too snobbish for my own humble background. Maybe that is why they found success in the first place.

Indeed, I think genuine and sincere humility is harder to achieve than success itself.

Fact or Fiction?

2010-10-12T18:43:00.002+11:00

oh, the lines.

You know something's wrong when at the end of your weekly comedy drama serial you exclaim, "NO, no, no no no no no no...!"

It's as if that is the only entertainment you have and you struggle to savour every little bit of it. I'm not stressed out or dead stretched but I figure everyone else is (and I probably should be).

So it goes again.

2010-09-03T10:12:00.002+10:00

i gripped the pen,

an age-old invention.

i opened the cap,

i closed the cap.

i opened it again,

and let the nib touch the modern parchment,

a clean white fibrous piece.

the ink flowed,

meandering like a river to my whims.

and soon,

the river became an ocean of text.

When you look around...

2010-07-30T23:25:00.003+10:00

when you do have the time and mental capacity to

You'll realise:

You're not the only one life has chosen to throw bucket loads of crap at
You're also not the worst off
You're definitely not alone
You're appreciated
You're capable

If you're too pre-occupied with your own affairs, then you find that you're none of the above.

Silly things to do with food.

2010-07-21T19:08:00.003+10:00

reasons why i'll never rise to the ranks of MasterChefs...

After my dinner, I decided to cut up a pineapple which smells about ripe. When the first cut was made, the sweet aroma of the pineapple wafted into my nose. Of course I couldn't resist licking the piece of skin I cut off... IT WAS SWEET.

Then as I cut pieces of the pineapple skin off systematically, I begun crazy chewing on bits and pieces of flesh that I cut excess of. It was after all a waste to dump any of this sweet fruit. What wasn't so sweet was the result of this foolishness. My entire mouth was literally burnt by acid.

Lesson #1: DON'T lick and chew on pineapple skin.

A couple of minutes later, I was running my mouth under the tap in a bid to relieve the acidity. After I cut up the entire pineapple, I didn't even have a piece of it... My entire mouth was so sore from the acid that my tongue had no taste sensation left. I bet all my sweet taste buds are lost.

Instead of pineapples, I decided to have some bananas which I put in with my unripe kiwis in the refrigerator to ripen them.

Lesson #2: DON'T put bananas into the fridge.

They were semi-frozen. (Or my mouth is so screwed I can't really tell.) Just to be sure, I put them into the microwave.

Lesson #3: DON'T microwave bananas.

Now, the outside was soft and the inside was still frozen. I can't hold it properly and it tasted weird.

&@*&@^@#$@

Split-second depression

2010-06-27T12:17:00.003+10:00

when for a split second, your shadow grows in darkness and grips your heart, and in the end there was nothing at all to be happy about.

I dare to say this only because I've confronted my fears. The past week leading up to the exams were not easy. This exam was particularly challenging not just because of the content and the demands of the additional practical exam that followed. That was what everyone gone through and I didn't have doubts that I would manage fine.

People all somehow have the assumption that med students are so used to stress and they would always do fine at the end however hard it is. That neglects any personal circumstances.

I started this course in a rough patch. I had just passed an assignment I failed terribly previously. There was so much effort I put into that re-attempt. Just as I was going to get recover from that, I received my previous course exam results which saw me bottoming the cohort. I must have fell from the 60-70th percentile to zero. I was just lucky that the last percentile this time still passed. In fact, if there was any moderation, I would have failed quite badly.

I don't understand why it had happened. I put in the same amount of effort for that much easier course as I always did. After the exams, it felt like I've done well enough to deserve a distinction. The breakdown of the grades revealed that I did badly in genetics and microbiology, both subjects I thought I knew the best about.

This caught me by complete surprise. I never excelled in exams but neither have I ever performed below average. I knew I had to do something to buck up and I planned to.

In this course, I picked a project that I felt was achievable. I subdivided the project to give myself a task that I knew well (but my juniors weren't confident of) so I could assume a good leadership role and guide them. What I envisioned to be a 3 days task took me 4 weeks because there was a dearth of information. I was so desperate, I approached my lecturer who confirmed my suspicion that data was scarce, late.

Simultaneously, I was working on my individual negotiated assignment (one that I planned myself) and I was making some promising progress. All of a sudden, I hit a snag. An impasse that prevented me from doing anything.

Concurrently, I was running my search for a research project in my next year and at first there was a good reply which I thought I'd nailed. Then, radio silence.

The deadlines to all these deadlocks were spread within 2 weeks before the exams. Their stalling meant I am pushing a lot of work towards my exams which was already a difficult task, contents wise. And if they didn't resolve, I will be adding 3 more failures to my already misfortunate list of 2 this year.

I can survive with 2 failures. Put one more up that list, I'll be sad. Another one and I might just lose it. That was what I was staring at for the most part of this course. Pure and tangible worry that things could all fall apart. It was debilitating as it was tearing my mind piece by piece.

Then, there was the exam which I had made calculations for that it would be impossible to do a proper preparation given the time even before the course started. What was I to do?

Eventually, the issues did patch themselves up. Each took its time to torment me until the last 3 days they were due (I am serious). So when I was sitting at the table finally starting my revision with the craziest exam just 5 days away, I sat there and became my own impasse.

Something had to be done, but what? I looked at the content I had to revise and tried to put them into a schedule. It couldn't be done. They say when you fail to plan you plan to fail. But at that point in time, my planning failed. How was I to deal with more failures? Adrenaline from the past couple of weeks of stress still lingered as a fresh endogenous dose came around. I found it difficult to even look myself in the mirror, smile, and assure myself everything is going to be alright because it wasn't. I was so close to failing the last 3 tasks and I failed 2 before.

There were times when then negativity flooded out. It buried myself and others around me. I am usually more optimistic but at some point it time, I lost that part of me. There was no one I could rely on other than myself and that only support was about to fall apart.

But misconstrued delusions and denial prevailed. I adopted people's assumptions that everything was going to be alright. I faked it so well I believed it. I had to pretend things were going alright to my oblivious housemates who were kind enough to understand I was under a lot of stress. To some of my closer friends, I let out my worries but they assured everything was going to be fine. That helped the pretence I suppose, that and faith that God will right things.

I don't question the possibility that if an depressive episode extended for more than just a moment, it will destroy your life. Unfortunately, each of us will experience a longer episode at least once in our lives. When that happens will probably decide your fate.

Memory test

2010-06-19T10:45:00.003+10:00

in just 4 lectures (out of 46)

Remember drug class, mechanism, function, adverse effects and clinical application of:

prazosin - α1 antagonist
tamsulosin - α1a antagonist
atenolol - β1 antagonist
phenoxybenzamine - α non-selective antagonist
propranolol - β non-selective antagonist
phenylephrine - α1 agonist
clonidine - α2 agonist
dobutamine - β1 agonist
salbutamol - β2 agonist
isoprenaline - β non-selective agonist
amphetamine - adrenergic releasing agent
moclobemide - MAO-I
cocaine - NET inhibitor
pilocarpine - Muscarinic agonist
atropine - Muscarinic antagonist (general)
tolterodine - Muscarinic antagonist (urinary)
hyoscine - Muscarinic antagonist (CNS)
nicotine - Nicotinic neuronal agonist
varenicline - Nicotinic neuronal agonist (partial)
hexamethonium - Nicotinic ganglia antagonist
succinylcholine - Nicotinic neuromuscular depolarising blocker
vacuronium - Nicotinic neuromuscular non-depolarising blocker
neostigmine - Acetylcholinesterase inhibitor
pyridostigmine - Acetylcholinesterase inhibitor
botulinum toxin - SNAP inhibitor

The above is a shortened list minus the useless and drugs in same class. This is why sometimes, I worry.

Introspection

2010-06-16T22:03:00.003+10:00

will it all be alright?

Random musing: When I saw NK vs Brazil on the scoreboard, I really wondered what it all meant for the NK players and supporters. It must be a weird sort of temporary liberation. What would they make of the McDonald's? How are they supposed to interact with other people? How would they feel when someone whips out an iPad and start reading off "paper" that has music and moving images? What do they do when they have to get back? How would it feel when they get back?

Education really does have pitfalls sometimes so much so that you wonder if knowledge does you any good. Then, you remember something, was it designed to do good in the first place?

*****

Self-doubt is dangerous business. When you first start to question if something was accomplishable, that is when you begin to contemplate failure. What if the task was so big not considering that is delusional?

At the start of this course, I saw the practical exam was just a day after the theory exam. I asked myself just one question, is there a reasonable plan you can have to finish studying all that in 5.5 days? Is it even possible? Is there changes I could make to accomplish that?

I explored options involving early preparation then I got caught up with my projects and assignments. As responsible and perfectionist as I am, I gave them my all. Then I find myself 6 weeks later at the exact position I had envisioned myself in at the beginning. The position I questioned the possibility of pulling through.

It imagined it would be a massive task. I had sat on it and mulled over the options I had. I had doubts then and I still have doubts. Yes, I planned my doubts instead of my revision.

For a very different topic, well, at least not on this set of doubts, Walrus (my facilitator) told me, "Don't panic! Concentrate, put your mind to it. Get the main points in your head so if there was a blank, you can go from there. It will be straight-forward. Trust me, you are the last person I would have any problems with."

I sometimes wondered how he ended up an academic instead of a coach. He has that ability to shake you up with words and leave you in disbelief.

In my jog the following day, I remembered something. I've pictured many tasks as impossible and nothing short of insane before. But when I put my mind and body to it, moved one brick by one brick, I managed to get it done. In the army, we had even more impossible tasks but there was a supportive team moving ten bricks at a time. And if you missed one, someone would back you up. None of us questioned if it was doable. Basically, if the command came down, it was a done deal.

Maybe that is something I need to remember. Maybe impossible is really only possible when you think it is. I've been fighting a lone war, many of us have been but maybe that is not the way. Even if we have to, we still have to have faith. Leave the questioning to the examiners.

Resist, desist

2010-06-14T09:42:00.001+10:00

placating the mind of a cynic

What does it take?

Fill in the blank.

2010-06-11T22:18:00.003+10:00

why haven't i written for a month? is it disenchantment or just plain old stress? i wonder.

You cannot imagine what happened in a month of not writing.

There was the time when I was under a tremendous amount of stress. I still am and am going to be under more stress. Then, there was that epic chance I took.

In fact, I actually took many chances.

In the last month, I count my blessings for escaping a theft case in the university. Untidiness triumphed over a thief's recklessness. My lazily sweater stuffed in my bag covered up my MacBook Pro which would otherwise have been a prized loot. I cannot tag a price on the amount of precious data I would have lost and the depression that might have followed. It would have destroyed a part of me. Still, some faith (in the goodness of people) was lost for my friends who have had their laptops, iPhones and significant sums of money stolen.

I negotiated for a very challenging assignment out of sheer curiosity and hope to do good. I decided to explore the health disparity between indigenous and non-indigenous Australians. It is still half done now with the due date on Tuesday. However, I couldn't have chosen a better topic. The insight I had received proved massive. Out of folly though, I undertook an impossible project with some of my Year 1 juniors. The project led me to chase my own tail for 3 weeks before I gave up and sought help. Imagine the shock when I learnt that it was a dead-end from the beginning: it wasn't my inability to find data, it was never available in the first place.

At the same time, I negotiated for a project to do in my research project taking place next year. I proposed to do something but after trying my best, it didn't get picked up. I ended picking up whatever that was offered... It was rational, I think.

There was the cold winter that set in after 2 straight weeks of rain. Winds that chilled the deepest parts of my heart. I am still keeping my jogging up. When I realised the momentum was slowly being sucked away, I signed up for Sydney Marathon. There were now no excuses.

Emotions cloud judgement. In making decisions, naivity probably has greater value.

In one of those reckless, unthinking moments, I accidentally allowed the pen to transfigure into the sword. Tact became a forgone virtue replaced by mindless remarking. The verbal diarrhoea barked up the wrong tree. Subduing a monster of words proved challenging.

And did I mention the winter cold? I nicked myself in the kitchen and it looked like a small, bloodless wound. When I tried to get some warmth at the heater, blood started oozing out.

I've attempted to sleep early to avoid the hated concussions when I wake up in the morning. It is really a good feeling to be waking up naturally instead of to the alarm.

Random things happened too. Unexpected ones. I tore a Tee while "ponding" someone. Yes, that verb is used literally. The house was smoked out after something was left on the stove for 2 hours, burning.

Procrastination is not as bad as justified avoidance of tasks. The latter is just detrimental to deadlines.

And so much more.

An orchestra

2010-04-30T23:18:00.003+10:00

over one bus ride, i met a lady, a poet, or so she says. i said i was a medical student. she could see there was music in me and asked me which key i liked. without a doubt, i said, "E flat," my mind was all over chopin's nocturne (op 9 no 2) at that point in time. she claimed she was an E flat lover too. what are the odds? but of course that was what she said. then, she asked me as a medical student, what i thought the human body would be if it were an instrument. an image was conjured up in my mind all of a sudden...

The human body is not one instrument. No single instrument would be able to accomplish what it does. If there was a musical parallel drawn, our biology would be best described as an orchestra. One that is so finely tuned with each part complementing another perfectly as it plays out our life's acts.

Our brain is undoubtedly the conductor. It gives the cues for each segment and listens at the same time. In doing so, it calibrates and remembers what makes a beautiful concerto. It keeps the whole body in tune.

A seemingly forgotten percussionist is our heart. It is the master of all percussionists providing a the most consistent rhythm for the piece that we all take so for granted. Like all great compositions, the beat varies in dynamism colouring the symphony.

The string instrument, our muscles and tendons working in tandem delivering an animate performance. It does so with great enthusiasm in every movement.

Running through each and every section of the orchestra is the wind section, our vessels. It flows rhythmically driving every other instrument. This section represents the widest of pitches from high to low and is most adaptable to changes.

The repertoire of life flows along everyday.

It is no wonder there is music in all of us.

Portrait of Stress

2010-04-15T21:24:00.003+10:00

amazing documentary from Nat Geo featured in ABC

What does stress do to you? When one looks at the implications, it is really daunting...

Increased atherosclerosis --> heart attack
High blood pressure, cholesterol
Increases rates of obesity
Deposition of fat in trunk, inside abdomen which are worse than peripheral fats.
Depressed immune system
Decreased dopamine reward pathways --> depression
Reduced mental capacity
Hastened ageing due to more rapidly shortened telomeres

Cause of stress in humans? The answer is simple: lower perceived hierarchy and loss of control. (Of course, if you live in a dangerous place, you have the real prehistoric stress of fearing being killed/injured.)

This implies that your way of life (especially in workplace) is intimately related with your health outcomes!

Social affiliation and feeling in control improves stress. Also, workplaces need to give more say to employees lower down in the hierarchy and people need to be given opportunities to be in control more.

The fact that most of modern day, urban stress comes from a psychological aspect makes me rethink a lot of what I'm doing. Perhaps the society really needs to shift its values from one which envies the multi-tasking person working at 5 tasks at once to one that appreciates the person who takes a step back and lives life while working well.

And then, as the video proposes, our population will not only be healthier and happier but be more productive.

Publications frenzy.

2010-04-07T20:12:00.006+10:00

5 days of endless publishing later

It's all about standardising paragraph styles, master styles, layouts styles and style in general across some 80 pages.

And it's still going on. Uni work has come to a standstill. My head is spinning more of design than of medicine... This has got to stop, somehow.

It will tonight, I hope.

*****

While editing, my colleague played this familiar song. I guess we all need the 90s to be back in some ways. None of that iPhone/Blueberry crap. No silly Internet as the mainstream medium. No bad pseudo music. People are appreciated for face value, not facebook value.

I guess it was simpler then?

Eagle Eye Cherry - Save Tonight

*****

Randomly, I received this slip in a fortune cookie over dinner 2 days ago:

Make happy those who are near

and those who are far will come.

It's pretty insightful for a fortune cookie I must say.

Alice in Wonderland

2010-03-28T17:19:00.003+11:00

i'd always wondered

Not reading this novel is by far one of my deepest regret as a child. Unfortunately, this book didn't make it into any reading lists I had been passed. No one in my world then had told me it was a must-read. I grew up "Alice"-less and hence had more than once been baffled by the numerous pop culture references to this great story.

The first was in The Matrix. 1999? Take the red pill to see how deep the "rabbit hole" is.

I forgot if it was in primary or secondary school that I came across the phrase, "a topsy-turvy world". I was baffled but envisioned a warped world where tops are bottomed and bottoms are topped. Someone referred to Alice falling into the rabbit hole as a definition. Baffling.

There was also the Cheshire Cat, one that has captured the imagination of graphic designers. A cat with a grin seems somewhat as unthinkable as a grin without a cat.

We can never forget too our first glimpse of the white rabbit in a waistcoat holding on to a wristwatch muttering how he'll be late.

"Off with her head!" was an expression I've heard enough and intuitively linked it with Wonderland.

And finally Mad Hatter's riddle, "Why is a raven like a writing desk?"

It is so strange that I had been so deeply influenced by this story I never read. When I heard the movie was made by Tim Burton, I really wanted to pick it up for a read. But you know we always reach an age when we feel we're too old for something, and I forgot about it.

Today, finally, I got to watch it. Mad Hatter couldn't have been better casted by Johnny Depp. Barely comprehending Mad Hatter's accent, I could not catch the answer to his riddle. (Anyone who caught his whisper to Alice in the movie should tell me!) I googled and found a couple of answers. I found the best to be: "Because the notes for which they are noted are not noted for being musical notes."

After the movie, I was not surprised a story like that carried so much influence. The idea of escapism, realised imagination and an out-of-this-world adventure all tied down in one story. Actually, maybe it was good I didn't read it as a kid. I'd just have thought it was a crazy book about people (or rather creatures) screaming each other's heads off (literally). At least now I can appreciate the undertones.

It's a lovely watch in 3D. The movie will leave you grinning as widely as a Chesire cat.

The curious incident of the dog

2010-03-23T21:48:00.002+11:00

no copyright violation intended, seriously.

I was jogging just now and the potentially most amusing thing happened. Well, aside from the fact that this jog was to see if I could still run just 24 hours after giving away ~500ml of blood. I managed and concluded 500ml (~10% of total blood volume) of blood doesn't really make much difference after 24 hours.

The curious incident took place when I was returning from Tamarama Bay. I saw a big cute black dog with white stripe (not sure species, need Choon Kiat to tell). I slowed down to see steal a glance. It was looking back at its owner who was jogging behind, presumably waiting. Many people were on the pathway so I didn't know who the owner was.

Since the dog was waiting on the left, I decided it was safe to go to the right and overtake. I did it slowly anyway because the dog was cute.

THEN, all of a sudden, the dog decided to turn back. Being quadrupedal, it occupied the whole foot path with its head now on the right of the foot path. The big sized dog had its head at the level of my knee and I literally KNEED it face in.

A visual illustration. (I know I shouldn't be wasting time, but I really felt like doing it =P)

The owner who finally caught up said, "Sorry!" I was going to yell sorry to the cute dog but I was quite shocked as was the dog who just strutted ahead.

I think this incident has several lessons to teach us.

Owners: DO NOT run so much slower than your dog such that it has to wait for you.

Joggers: OVERTAKE stationery dogs with care. In fact, try not to overtake them at all.

Dogs: Woof woof. I mean, come on guys, be careful when you're turning around on a narrow path. Corollary: An excessively cute dog may ignore this as people will rarely speed up in your face.

Thoughts

2010-03-16T21:42:00.003+11:00

random ones

Before I embarked on my medical course, I actually asked myself, "Oh no, what will happen to this blog and my writings?" I knew there could be 2 possibilities:

1. The blog will slowly become disused as time becomes scarce and I prioritise my life according to the demands of the course.

2. The blog will be filled with medical scribblings and gradually lose meaning to laypeople.

Either way, it sounds as though the blog goes downhill. Now, it stands somewhere in between. I barely have much to write about life as it is because of the fairly routine things that happen. It does not look like it is about to gravitate towards either ends soon.

Writing wise, it is not that I'm writing less and less. It is just that my daily spoken words are strained by many mediums. There is the emails that I write back home to family; I'm not a huge fan of Skype because of my unstable internet connection and the time it takes to organise it. Then there is the correspondence with the university which demands much diplomacy. Another outlet is of course the people I see everyday.

I don't talk as much to as many people as I wish to. I find myself a lazy man when it comes to competing for the attention of amongst a crowd of chirpy people. There is the occasional but highly appreciated poignant conversation that I have with people. However, living in isolation has had its tolls on the number of meaningful things I know about some people. I cannot make enough effort to understand another without the awkward first step of calling from an apparently alien location. The truth is, I don't stay that far away but the distance is extended by everyone's ideals of meaningful time spent.

At the end of the day, I do realise I am as uninterested in others life as they are in mine. Only a few rare friends genuinely want to know how you are doing and I feel it is only right to return the gesture.

On communication, my failed assignment has led me to rethink the way I interact with people. I've seen the tutor several times with practice tapes and I find myself improving, picking up the subtleties and learning to acknowledge another's perspective in a proactive way. It is really not as simple as most think. Some people have it naturally but others no. It's probably because I've talked to computers a lot through my life and I haven't honed the talking to people part of my mind. Even until today, I saw it as a problem to be "fixed" but no, I'm starting to think that it is more of a tuning in to your own gut feelings in a conversation.

*****

My improvement in communication and sheer luck brought me an animate and touching story from a heart transplant patient.

I have been telling people how I have never seen anyone have a completely new lease of life like this man. He's 60 but looks like someone in his 30s. I have never met this man before in my life but in the short 15 minutes of conversation I had with him, I felt I have seen his change. From a man who couldn't walk 5 metres without running out of breath to now a man who tells everyone who tells him negative things:

"I know what I can."

What unlocked the emotions was perhaps the clinical tutor leaving for some errands. This left us in the room and me running the conversation with no pressure. He described how frustrated he got with his previous life that he was a "tiger" pouncing at anyone who got in his way. He told me how dejected he felt when he was always out of breath. That was his whole life. Then, it worsened, to the stage where death was probable. He depicted how he waited a mere month for the transplant and the amount of gratitude he had. It was inconceivable how much he appreciated this second chance.

People like this clears any doubts I have about my choice to be a physician. I know a person like this is hard to come by but when they do, it is incredible.

Radiohead - No Surprises

2010-03-07T20:22:00.002+11:00

i was watching the movie, "New York, I Love You" in the morning and a familiar chime rang through my speakers. i could vividly remember the band that sung it but not the title. i remember it wasn't a song i'd put on repeat. i googled the lyrics and finally came up with the title. this track just melded in with the scene perfectly.

boring chords with seemingly odd but poignant lyrics. yup, that's me.

The Fray - Heartless (Cover)

2010-02-25T23:34:00.003+11:00

after hearing this song sung acoustic on "xing guang bang" (the taiwanese Idol thing), I couldn't get it out of my head. now I can, because it's out of my head and in the speakers! this is version by the fray is probably the best one yet! the video is plain AWESOME too.

i don't like kayne's original version =P

Confessions

2010-02-23T17:46:00.002+11:00

of a returning tenant.

I killed so many bugs over the last 24hrs I hope I don't get nightmares.

Sorry to the spiders in my room. Thank you for helping me take care of the room and preying on all those ants, flies, cockroaches, and beetles while I was away. Your webs were proving to be excessive so some of you had to go.

To the ants invading the kitchen now: I'm gonna get you.

It's that craze again!

2010-02-20T02:35:00.002+11:00

the what-the-f-im-leaving-tomorrow-and-i-haven't-bought-this-nor-started-packing craze

I think it's the time when retailers are most happy with me because I'm desperate to grab anything that comes in my way which is vaguely described in my shopping list. Frankly, I think I have to keep my fingers crossed that I am lucky enough not to get scammed.

Just grabbed a pair of Adidas Samba sneakers from Queensway today because it looked normal enough and felt comfortable (refer to previous post about fashion - classics beat latest fashion hands down in the recent great closet showdown).

Then, there's Daiso. I just wish there was a Daiso in Sydney then I wouldn't have to miss the $2 goodness. There is so many things in there that I think I might need but I delay buying them because I don't really know if I really need them. Buying rubbish is fine because you can just toss them but buying clutter is not fine in my small room.

Pens. I just picked up all the 0.38 refills they had in Popular. Writing with 0.38 ink still feels best and SEXY.

NEARLY, picked up my earphones... they were out of stock unfortunately... Damn, I have to wait till next year. And I was flabbergasted to find that the price has risen from $X29 to $X99!!! That's crazy and it was the first time I observed price hikes in electronics!

I needed $400 bucks to be privilege member for some shop and I found receipts for $300+. Yeah, made it up to $400 under elder sister's influence.

Oh and I dropped by the super delicious cheese cake store, AllanBakes. I think we had one too many and bought too many.

Oh, and all these were done in just one day, today. Talk about frenzy. It's going to happen tomorrow.

Cleaning out my closet.

2010-02-17T02:35:00.003+11:00

inspired by Eminem's classic? maybe

After dragging my feet on this affair for probably YEARS, I figured it is about time I cleaned out my closet. It involved, I believed, taking clothes out of the mess of fabric in my closet and then separating the clothes into 3 piles: to keep, to donate and to dump.

I found that I have lived in an age where tee-shirts are made for every event you attended. I browsed through my wardrobe to find a chronological record of the many activities I took part in. There was the school tee, the class tee, the CCA tee, the random tees for random events like a famine camp I attended.

As much as it sounds like a waste of resources, I found it cool that I could tell part of my life story with T-shirts, not that anyone would care to listen now. A contrast from then is the present age where digital photos and Facebook statuses mark the events in our lives. It would be so easy to eliminate our existence with these intangibles.

However, I still stand by the underlying environmental message that this change entails. Hopefully, there will be less waste and more sensible - albeit still narcissistic - recording of our lives.

After looking through what seemed like fashion from the past 2 decade, I have realised one important message: quantity never beats quality. A classic piece invested finds its due place in the wardrobe for a much longer time and is more thoroughly used than the cheap one-use garment bought from the street store. I probably am dumping enough of these "cheap" pieces which easily sum up to an expensive one I passed in a mall.

I guess this means I have to wise up and shop smarter! It takes a keen sense of fashion and common sense to identify a classic then splurge on it. But if done right, cleaning out my closet the next time would be so much easier and satisfying.

A different perspective

2010-02-09T03:00:00.002+11:00

it takes just a word to make the whole story different, sometimes.

I'm sure we have all heard songs or read literature that somehow changes your view of an issue completely. This week, I heard this lyric that suddenly changed my decade-long thinking.

It's a song by Owl City entitled Tidal Wave and it goes:

"I wish I had covered all my tracks completely
Cause I'm so afraid,

Is that the light at the far end of the tunnel

or just the train"

The visual of the light at the end of the tunnel has been so deeply entrenched in my young brain that it almost certainly brings salvation, freedom, and an escape. I never ever thought it could be the lights from an incoming train...

iPad... the only announcement?!?!

2010-01-28T10:03:00.003+11:00

seriously apple? all that anticipation?

An oversized iPhone? Frankly, was expecting a bit more, design-wise. I mean iPhone was a good piece of device but just oversizing it is a little sloppy. The bezel is way too big for the screen.

However, in the device's defence, the iBook store looks neat. Also, the on-screen keyboard looks reasonable. Calendar and Mail app looks awesome too! It looks fast and responsive to multi-touch. It's got a sensible display and battery life! iPhone + iPad sharing the same system gives app developers a mean to develop apps that run on parallel. It can be seamless in that way.

Just curious how a MBP, iPad, iPhone connectivity would work. If it has an awesome note-taking application, I will consider it as a laptop replacement!

*****

Be off to Thailand for a bit!

Justin Timberlake & Matt Morris - Hallelujah (Hope For Haiti Now)

2010-01-27T00:28:00.001+11:00

a very good rendition of a classic. didn't expect justin to have such a good voice!

Coldplay - A Message (Live Acoustic for HopeForHaiti)

2010-01-26T03:03:00.004+11:00

coldplay, known for supporting good causes, performs "A Message" in the Hope for Haiti telethon. i thought this is a brilliant version of the song.

And I felt the urge to write this: donate to Haiti. And if you have iTunes, you can contribute by simply buying the "Hope For Haiti Now" album here.

Our dearest gahmen donated a measly 50k to the relief effort and sent no state-sponsored relief teams there. Well, as sensible and compassionate global citizens, I feel we should do something to rebuild the country regardless of any pragmatic/diplomatic relations we have with them. It is just an issue of morality. I am stricken with disappointment when I read MFA's response to our grossly inadequate aid efforts.

I cannot imagine what kind of aid will we receive when disaster strikes our shores. Would another country use the same explanation like we have? That Spore is destroyed beyond the means in which it can continue to provide a meaningful or beneficial relationship therefore [any other country] will just be giving a nominal sum of aid out of "a gesture of sympathy."

Saying that the amount of aid given is not aimed to match the extent of destruction is akin to saying that the care given to a patient should not match the degree of illness he/she is inflicted with. That may hold some truth in a triage situation but not in our context. Asia's economy is probably doing the best now compared to the so-called rich countries who are now mostly in severe recession. This is the crippling point in the address.

Enough said. The ethical concerns of this affair must be all over the internet by now. I don't feel the need to further discuss it. Just do a good deed today.

Sarah Blasko - All I Want

2010-01-18T01:31:00.002+11:00

this is another underrated artist! here's a good song whose first chords held such mystery that drew me in...

Out of this world.

2010-01-15T00:14:00.002+11:00

it's weird how unworldly the experience felt.

In the previous room, I left my glasses behind under the nurse's instruction.

I entered the next room, a simple one with just a large black chair and a cupboard. I donned on the surgical gown and headdress. Iodine was smeared on my face and I was told it might sting a little. I was more worried about how it looked and how it would look later when I am able to see again.

Some eyedrops were applied: a local anaesthesia, an anti-inflammatory, and an anti-biotic. It was the first time I felt my cornea numb. It was weird.

The doctor came in and told me my sister did perfectly ahead of me and he will guide me along. It was a simple procedure or at least his confidence made it sound simple. The intricacies have all been rehearsed in his head. In my head, I was confused.

I could not see without my glasses so I was ushered into the operating theatre by the nurse. She asked me to remove my shoes before entering. I did as I was told. The absence of sight meant blind following. Thought processes just became simpler.

Seated on the operating bed, the nurse covered up my feet before asking me to lie down into what felt like a half helmet. My head fitted snuggly.

Where I laid, I could see 3 extremely bright lights. In the centre, a red and green light. Then, the doctor came into the picture. He did not reassure me much but just said, "I will just need to to look at the red light later." Soon after, my eyes was flooded with eyedrops again.

Unlike my elder sister who had a devil-may-care attitude about this operation, I read a lot. The possible complications, the risks, the procedures... Too much reading really does not help with the anticipation. I knew exactly what was to happen and the "how" is drives me crazy.

Once the operation started, I had only one thought. I must have been captured by some aliens and now I'm being experimented upon. Yes that was that exact feeling.

I felt my eye propped up and then the instruments were rolled away. Another huge uninviting one got attached to my eye. There was a strong suction. I was stunned. "20 more seconds, don't move don't talk," was suddenly announced.

"Uh huh," I answered apparently not giving much heed to the instruction.

In the device there was some green light. But it was dark. I know after the first eye that this was the laser that cuts the cornea flap. Despite going through this once, the second time got me equally stunned because I really didn't not know what was happening nor what the countdown was for.

More confused than ever, my eyes were irrigated. There were some instruments floating above my eyes and then some reached my eyes and did something. Then, the red light became a HUGE blur. It was like a blob of red light completely out of focus.

"Now, just look at the red light for me and this is the noisy part," the doctor instructed.

There was obviously laser firing at my eyes. I could smell something burning. I could hear the room's atmosphere being tensed. I had my chin adjusted a couple of times.

After the zapping sounds, my eye was irrigated again. A paintbrush-like instrument closed the flap. I could see my world in a blur.

The same happened for the other eye. It was so hard to concentrate on a red light when you hardly had any control of your eye muscles anymore.

The operation was done.

"You can say goodbye to your glasses and contact lenses now!" announced the surgeon. He was indeed the best man for the job. Confident and committed. He was an outstanding man I could put my faith in.

I sat up. The world was in a blur. But in a distance, I read a panel which said, "Preparation." That was the first word I saw in the distance.

I was ushered into the recovery room where my elder sister is. We discussed about our experience and decided it was simply out of this world as the effects of the sleeping pills slowly kick in.

*****

Sleeping pills do not really work on me. It kinda hurts and I can't sleep.

But to be frank, being able read and type on my computer from a distance 6 hours after the surgery, I am truly impressed.

The Airborne Toxic Event - Sometime Around Midnight (acoustic)

2010-01-04T22:21:00.002+11:00

few bands can be described as shockingly good! it shines such brilliance that the emotions seem to flow through like a scintillating sunset upon the sea.

Thao with the Get Down Stay Down - When We Swam

2010-01-03T02:43:00.002+11:00

more songs discovered through tap tap revenge 3!!! it's a rocker!

Miike Snow - Animal

2010-01-02T22:46:00.001+11:00

okay, to be honest, i haven't been constructive at all. i've just been all over the place with my iphone playing tap tap revenge 3. but it isn't all a waste! i've found a couple of great songs like this one:

NYE to the brand new year!

2010-01-01T06:31:00.004+11:00

twenty-ten. it just sounds gorgeous, doesn't it?

Happy New Year to you who stumbled on this blog on 01-01-10. It's a great date to just smile yourself silly and not come up with impossible-to-do resolutions.

I spent New Year's Eve as usual on the Esplanade bridge squeezing through the crowds just to take in the sight of the annual pyrotechnic display. I remember it was back in 2005's NYE (it's not even available anymore; i probably haven't figured youtube out then!) when I first recorded a video of the fireworks. In the following years, I realised camera phones do not record videos worthy of viewing up until now. I used my iPhone to chronicle this year's pyrotechnics display and I must say it's actually close to decent:

This is dedicated to those who were at home, abroad, and at work (like my elder sister who was probably in A&E hoping no one does anything silly so she won't have to work her arse off on new year's eve and new year). May the new decade be more peaceful for us all.

I thought this year's fireworks were better than ever. I especially loved the shimmering ones and the grand finale.

Loving my holidays!!! =)

Celine Dion - O Holy Night

2009-12-25T05:44:00.001+11:00

Season's greetings to all! May the coming year be a beautiful and sweet one for all.

Holidays!!!

2009-12-17T16:02:00.003+11:00

it's been so dead busy too

One full week in Malaysia (7-13 Dec).

2 days showing Malaysian friends around in Singapore (14-15 Dec).

Another full day driving my sisters and mom around ending with grocery shopping at 3 am this morning (16-17 Dec).

Now that's a crazy schedule and also the reason for my luggage still relatively untouched from Sydney!

My 2nd Marathon

2009-12-06T21:50:00.002+11:00

once smitten, twice run

Today is the day I ran my second marathon. Armed with a previous marathon experience and 2 weeks worth of training, I confronted this year's (StandChart) Singapore Marathon with renewed gusto.

I woke up this morning at 3.30am with a sore throat. This is expected since I had been carbo-loading with unhealthy food like chips, peanuts and chocolates - an excuse to satisfy my appetite for junk food. That did not stop me from having the most random breakfast ever: honey and oats breakfast bar and Berocca effervescent tablet. It doesn't sound too palatable, does it? It only gets worse.

5.15 am - Reached the starting point.

5.25 am - Managed to squeeze through to the Sub 5 category. I knew my target this time was to run a 4 hour but I was not absolutely confident either. If I wanted to do that timing, my pace had to be consistent throughout and I could not afford to stop. That was not something I thought I could manage easily.

5.30 am - Flag off. I was actually glad that it is finally starting.

I got into a good pace and started overtaking. I had to catch up to the 4:00 pacers if I wanted to chase that goal of mine. After about 3 km, I found them. They had a constant pace but I felt it was pretty hasty so I kept them in sight. It was only after a visit to the loo at 7 km that I realised I was slipping far behind.

Increasing my pace, I decided to just go ahead of the 4:00 pacers. I wanted to gain some distance ahead of them so I can safely reach my targeted timing.

10 km - I swallowed my first powergel (banana + strawberry = what the hell?) in the space of one full kilometre. This was a plan I devised to avoid the "wall" at around 30 km when the body runs out of fuel and stops functioning by cramping up.

14 km - I was running into East Coast Park. It was still dark. I heard sirens on the opposite direction leaving East Coast Park. There was a fast motorcycle and I squinted at its trail. A dark figure was following it at a speed I never imagined was humanly possible.

16 km - Feeling that I was running near empty again and knowing there was a powergel refuel station at 21 km, I ate my second (tangerine) gel which I brought along. It tasted a little better but still, nothing you'd substitute for real food.

18 km - It was there I finally saw the deep heat stations. This year's sponsor gave ridiculously small amounts. I could barely rub the pinch of cream on my hands, not to mention on my things and calves.

21 km - Powergel station. I managed to grab another banana + strawberry and chocolate flavoured gel. This was essential for finishing the run. Last year, at 28 km, I felt like I was empty. That was because I didn't know the importance of refuelling. This time, I felt much better.

I stored the banana one for later and held the chocolate one in my hand.

25 km - I ate the chocolate powergel. It was sweet and salty?!?!

30 km - By now, it must be the 20th time I was chanting the reasons for my run:

In honour of God who gave me a capable body that does more than just studying.
For my father who died in the hospital without even a breath of fresh outdoor air.
For those who are permanently hospitalised and wheelchair-bound and would probably exchange their lives to get a taste of what I am now experiencing.

It was a simple list but it was what countered any negative thoughts that could seep into my head. At 30 km, this was more than important, it was a matter of whether I could or could not press on. Mind over body is a double-edged sword. I would rather inundate my brain with this list than cast doubts on my abilities.

32 km - Knowing there was only 10 km left and it was pointless to keep the powergel, I ate the last of my fuel. Now, the runners are spaced at least 5 metres apart. Unlike the crowd I saw in the earlier part of the race, I could only see a few of us now.

Then, they merged us in with the half-marathoners. They were all walking at their 14th kilometre!!! It was obstructing my path and worse still, I could not see the full marathoners and keep pace. This is the most irritating part of the race.

33 km - I was counting down kilometre by kilometre. I believe my pace has slowed down. The half-marathoners took a different path now. I stopped to stretch my feet for a moment.

35 km - 7 more, I told myself.

37 km - 5 km, it is the distance of my usual runs. I usually think nothing of it...

40 km - Stopped for a final stretch to prevent any cramps. The half-marathoners are merged back in and all of them were walking!

41 km - I am thankful I am not feeling as much cramps as the previous year and in fact I was still having a good pace! I remember stopping in my steps at the esplanade bridge last year because I simply had no will to carry on. This year however, I had my eye on the prize. A photographer called out to his friend that there was only 5 minutes left to Sub 4 timing.

I took the message.

42 km - FINALLY, the division between the full and half-marathoners returned. I could see the finishing arch. The big clock with yellow numbers was on it. It said, "3:56".

42.195 km - I ran my guts out. The last of the clock I saw was, "3:57".

I finished with a Sub 4 timing. You cannot imagine the euphoria. It was as though I had come in first. I yelled out "YES!" ignoring the crowd around me. The feeling was incredible. I had cut my timing last year by more than half an hour!

The pain and aches didn't matter. It was all well worth it.

Few more hours to marathon...

2009-12-05T14:38:00.003+11:00

impossible is nothing

Muahahahaha.

Things I've grown unfamiliar to...

2009-12-01T01:11:00.002+11:00

it's not all bright and rosy once you're home...

You see, there are some things I have grown conveniently familiar to in Australia that coming back, I found myself having to re-adapt.

Lifts. I just realised I haven't gotten into one for a long, long time. Even in NCV, the highest floor would be 7. So when I got home and into the lift, I was shocked at how long a 16-storey ride was. It was like a space elevator.
Taps with the hot and cold dial. I nearly spun my tap around at home.
Recycle bins. I was collecting the paper waste that I had brought around because it was a practice that was well seeded in my head. Unsurprisingly, there were no blue-topped recycle bins around!
Flashing red men. After the green man in Australia is a flashing red man which means you need to cross faster but here... it probably doesn't take much to imagine what can go wrong.
Not having my men's shampoo, face wash and body wash. In trying to save luggage weight, I did not bring any of my toiletries back. I am currently using random shower gels from my female-dominated household and after each bath, I smell like a mixed-fruit salad. Lol.

Stacey Solomon - Somewhere Only We Know (cover)

2009-11-24T23:20:00.002+11:00

call me boring, or a traditionalist but i don't usually find covers of songs all too amazing. well, until now i guess. this keane song... i never believed it could actually be redone so impressively. i think stacey solomon should win x-factor 09 (i didn't like her redoing of coldplay's the scientist either but this one is just impeccable).

The Practical Exam

2009-11-23T18:35:00.004+11:00

you can't romanticise hell or the likes of it

I woke up this morning fresh, thankfully. Last night was warm, I remember. I'd checked the last item off my study list before coaxing myself to sleep. Many people wished me well for the exams which was a good reminder that I had been at studying (and talking to people less to the extent that they mostly knew I was busy) for a while. True, it's been almost a month since the coursework caught up with me.

As usual, my milk turned sour this morning. It didn't surprise me, it happened before for the end-of-course exams. It was 2 days before the expiry date this time! It was revolting. I think the refrigerator could be problematic.

Today's 4 hours long exam was the culmination of this year's education.

It was intense. It is divided into 5 minutes for a question (2.5 minutes for anatomy) and you are expected to analyse the results of a lab report or histology slide and come up with a diagnosis or explanation. It was stressful and insanely challenging. Divided into subjects and 4 half-hour segments, the test was tackled quarter by quarter.

To summarise it, I think this was the first exam where my hands raced faster than my mind and my handwriting ranged from illegible to gibberish.

When it was finally done, I stepped out of the medical faculty building and it was cool, cloudy and 20˚C cooler than the same time yesterday. Freedom was in the air I breathed and it was simply exhilarating. It didn't matter if it were rainy. It didn't matter if I didn't have expectations for good results. What mattered was, I've worked hard for a month and now, there is semblance of a lull.

I joined the rest to have Thai food in Kingsford and then got home from there. Back home, I watched 2 episodes of Greys Anatomy (someone insisted I must) while waiting to wait at the last dinner party this year. An ex-chef turned up to help cook. He was a fantastic cook from Malaysia.

The dinner party had an interesting mix of people. I spoke to a doctor working in Aboriginal health who offered some interesting perspective. This was one party I took away plenty from (including the brilliant food).

I took the usual 2+ hours to wash up and made sure I did a perfect job now that I had the time to. I think it's a good way to show my gratitude to my landlord (of course I will also be penning a real letter of gratitude). Now that I'm really relaxed, I should be sleeping.

If there were a word to describe how I feel now, it is "thankful".

Sydney's weather is crazy

2009-11-20T22:06:00.002+11:00

it so is.

I woke up this morning sweating.

Then this afternoon, there was a crazy thunderstorm where there was lightning and thunder but like a dry cough it barely rained for 2 minutes.

As though the sun didn't give us enough heat, winds kept the temperatures up so that it is still 32˚C now at 10pm. THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN EVEN IN SINGAPORE.

Looking further, the mercury is going to hit 39˚C on Sunday. Knowing the weather forecasts here, it's probably going to be true.

This is the 4th straight week of hardcore studying (since the assignments and all) and even thought I paced myself well, I found myself losing steam. The weather's not helping at all.

Gravebook

2009-11-17T09:40:00.002+11:00

what i think Facebook would be if it opens a cemetery wing

Have you ever had friends/people die on Facebook...?

It is so unusual. It narrows the last "contact" you had with the person to the last "status update" he/she had and that may be days or just hours ago. There are not many people you speak to one day before who passes on the next day. Yet Facebook makes that essentially possible, even retrospectively, giving you the person's last words/action on the Internet.

You stare at the screen thinking that a few minutes later you'd see the person update a status or have some recent activity. It is just like in the real world where the assumption of the person's existence has not faded. You deny.

I have a feeling it stops there though. Kubler Ross's (1969) stages of grief - Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Despair, and Acceptance - has little place in the virtual world. It lacks the emotional connection. Furthermore, with information flooding in incessantly, you're likely to accept the new pop-up from the side of the screen and navigate to another page without thinking.

In the real world, a widowed wife does not click and navigate to a new husband. A mother who lost a child does not click and adopt a new child. A friend who has lost another friend does not leave a message and then leave for another party. In the real world, we grief, we weep and we attend a funeral.

But here I am abroad, 3,000 kilometres away from home, Facebook told me a friend had passed on. Though just a next-door classmate, I found it depressing because we are all just starting out in life. I left a message and as unfeeling as it sounds, it might just end there because there is nothing much else I could do.

Some things I did through Exams: Baking, Shooting (photos), Surfing

2009-11-15T18:43:00.005+11:00

and haven't pen down.

Claudia, deb and I attempted (well, they were the baking pros) to bake a chocolate stout cake just before exams using the recipe I got from my NZ trip (Fri, 6 Nov). Then, I had a lunch party with my landlord (Sat, 7 Nov) which had 11 people! Thank God I actually finished my revision for the exams.

I regret missing out a part of anatomy (axillary nerve!!!) and neurology (I wouldn't have understood it anyway) but well, it's OVER. GET OVER IT.

*****

Post-exams party:

It was held at my used-to-be usual favourite hanging out pub on Wednesdays because of the steaks. The tradition sort of disappeared after the Spanish exchange students left. I think you really need a good spirit to push people into routines like these and I haven't gathered that much of it!

That evening, I went to the post-exams party without calling anyone just to see who I will find there. Expectedly, none of the Singaporeans were there and I wandered around to talk to some of my group-mates before some more familiar locals popped up. Luckily, there were some people I could hang out with if not it could have been boring.

Still, I appreciated the familiarity of the place and I finally got to the balcony of Palace Hotel. I must have been there more than 10 times without even stepping up to the balcony because it was always closed.

*****

The following day after the exams, I finally stopped jogging by "Sculpture by the Sea" and actually went with a camera to visit it. The results were a stunning 4 hours of photography (and 8 hours post-processing) and a full chronicle of the event I uploaded on Facebook:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=157957&id=699825038

(the quality is bad I know but well, it's what

I thought this was my best shot at inanimate photography so far after Rahul and Kelvin (the 2 pros I know here) taught me a lot about how to use my camera properly. There are still lots more to learn and I might pick up photography for General Education. This skill is exceptionally precious to me because I guess it is sort of like carrying on my dad's passion of photography.

*****

Today, after 9 months in Sydney, I finally accomplished what I came here to do. (Yes, there is Medicine but I did say too that I will 100% try surfing just because this place has AWESOME beaches - that was part of why I chose Sydney too =P)

It was LEGENDARY.

I'm so glad Claudia told me she went surfing previously so I bugged her to bring me. A small daring crowd of us decided to ignore rips, sharks, and what have you in the sea and go try this sport out. I would say this is an initiation sport to get acquainted with the sea here.

I've went swimming in the sea once before at Bronte when it was 37˚C but this is just more awesome. The concept is simple, you see a wave, you attempt to "catch" it. If the wave is too big, you tumble into the sea like in a washing machine, and if it is too small, you just feel lame.

When you actually do catch a GOOD WAVE. The feeling is exhilarating. It lets you surf it out stably and if you balance well, you can stand up! This sport is just plain fun =)

Switchfoot - Yet (Acoustic)

2009-11-11T20:12:00.001+11:00

a song that's gotten into my head

Mama Kin - Tore My Heart Out

2009-11-06T22:55:00.002+11:00

it's rare to find a good song on iTune's single of the week but this week's happened to be a very decent one:

Something nice for a change

2009-11-05T19:32:00.006+11:00

such niceties are rare

Today, I was on the bus as usual during peak hour after lessons when buses are always late and packed.

When a couple of passengers alighted, I actually found a seat near the door of the bus and sat down comfortably. After all, I had waited more than 20 minutes for this bus - ridiculous waiting time for a 15 minutes bus ride.

Then, an old lady boarded. Well, at least I assumed she was old as her locks were all silver. She walked along the front aisles and I presumed someone would be giving up his/her seats and it'll never be my turn. This is Australia, I thought, not the earphones-wearing and sleep-pretending Singapore public transport. To my utter disgust no one offered their seats.

When she inched near my seat, I stood up and gave up my seat even though I had not even sat on it for more than 2 minutes. One of my ears had no earphones stuck in it. This is something I've learnt in my years of public transporting: when transferring on a bus/train, have the courtesy to pull one earphone out so you can actually hear if you're stepping on someone's foot.

"Oh, thank you," the old lady muttered. I smiled.

Then I side-stepped to the alighting door and a lady standing there whispered, "That's good for you." (Okay, everything sounds whispered when you only have one ear =P)

I shot a confused look because I didn't really hear her.

"That's good for you. I'll be really angry if no one gave up their seats," she repeated.

Wow, I thought. You not only get thanked by the old lady you gave your seat up to, you actually get complimented by a random stranger. How nice is that?

"Is that why you're standing?" I quipped.

"Yeah," she replied and laughed.

I laughed as well and returned to watching the sceneries outside the door because I'm pretty sure the normal transport etiquette in Sydney is not to be chatting to strangers on the bus (unless you're weird or extremely sure you're not gonna sound weird).

*****

While walking home later, I saw a couple of dandelion seeds and I caught this one with my iPhone 3GS:

*****

To my younger sister who's probably reading: I'm sorry I haven't called back much! Been a little caught up with work-life balance =P You haven't been around much either!

37 degrees

2009-11-04T11:00:00.003+11:00

it's strangely just our body temperature.

Yesterday, temperatures in Sydney hit 37˚C and it was just stifling.

So, instead of going for a jog, I decided to find my trunks and goggles. Truth is, I've lost them ever since I moved and never actually searched for them. Finally, I found them in a compartment of my luggage; I'd chucked them in when packing for the move and totally forgot about them.

I deliberated a bit about going to the rock pools (pools carved out of rocks near the beach, filled with sea water minus the waves) as I have never been to one but eventually, I just went.

It was closed.

I had everything though, trunks and goggles so seeing the beach close by, I took the dive. The respite to the heat is instantaneous. I've forgotten how salty sea water was and regretted having swallowed some. It was so salty, it was bitter. I made a promise to myself to leave salt completely out of dinner.

I was not very daring swimming out only about 20m where the sea weeds are and never further than the locals. Then, I turned around, the sun was setting being the beach.

I think it was just amazing. I'm glad I took the dive!

Different

2009-10-28T21:56:00.003+11:00

the funny thing about universities is that unlike back in schools, you can get by the day without speaking to anyone at all if you wish.

I don't know how to write this without sounding self-deprecating or just plain self-pitying. Let's just say I don't get along with all too many people in my classes.

I don't initiate or attempt to sustain conversation with too many people. I distance myself sometimes, purposefully. I don't like sitting next to overly chatty people so I don't become overly chatty myself. I don't befriend overly caring people because they're just so superficial and I'm cynical. I don't talk sports. I don't talk for the sakes of talking. I don't like getting all stressed over exams or assignments. I don't do work in advance. I don't give a damn about most things so I hardly get angry or pissed. I don't like change (I only like it when I can give it away).

I have been trying to find causes to why "I don't" so many things. But mostly I found the effects. Having such a set of "I don't"s in med school pretty much means you don't get many people to talk to. You don't get hated but you don't get much concern either. It's neutrality at its best. (You're best friends with random people who happen to appreciate such a personality but that's another story.)

Then, sometimes I wonder about my "I do"s.

I do enjoy music obsessively. Unlike most people, I can actually be complete captured/absorbed by a piece of music especially live ones with real instruments. It gives the kind of euphoria that maybe others get by watching sports or dramas. Despite having gone so far from home and meeting so many people, I haven't found many who enjoy music at such a level. Maybe just not in medicine or any other science courses?

I do enjoy making light of situations. I probably converse best in stressful situations; I can't be bothered conversing when the situation is already light. I just revel at the ease of it. That is a serious communication problem perhaps. I don't know.

I do enjoy sceneries. I can watch the sunset or just the waves crashing on a beach. If I had the time I can sit under a starry night and just watch the skies. I also enjoy art and I can stare at art pieces at lengths. This is why I enjoy photography. I don't understand why some people dismiss what I think is absolutely beautiful or amazing as trivial. Maybe they just don't see what I see?

I appreciate the "unimportant" things in life. I pay full attention to the most seemingly irrelevant of lectures yet give half the attention on an important lecture where my friends are giving in their 100%. I love ethics discussion, for example, when most of my friends are happy walking away from it. I enjoy communication parts of medicine and place much importance on getting it right while my friends are completely uninterested. I like listening to old, experienced folks share their stories when most youngsters would consider that living hell. In my line of studies as you can imagine, I cannot get any more deviant.

This personality of mine makes me look like an alien in my current group of friends. They're mostly what I'm not. They don't appreciate good music. They don't enjoy my humour. They go "ok" at a scenery or photograph I call surreal. They go absolutely crazy over the important things in life and gloss over the unimportant. They definitely don't stand in awe over some of the most beautiful sights of nature.

Sometimes, I think I'm so different so much so that I wonder why I am here. Other times, I just think that it's just the company I am now with. Maybe there are others like me in medicine but are just hidden amongst the mass of conformers (after all, people like me can't be bothered to befriend everyone).

*****

But there are times I even question whether I've changed because of my circumstances.

*****

Then, there is this thing called "grief" which I have conveniently walked away from. I just don't know when it will come back for me or whether I have already recovered from it.

Random musings

2009-10-24T22:22:00.003+11:00

i do realise i haven't been writing...

I was going to end a relatively uneventful Thursday 2 days ago with a good jog. I've always wonder how it would feel like to be a seagull gliding by the sea breeze and just surveying everyone overhead. This thought fills my head especially when I am jogging along the coast and a seagull takes off and flies just right next to me.

I would imagine how light I would have to be to actually gain the lift to take off with a gust of wind. I'll be so carried away by the lift off thinking maybe for one moment, in the next moment, I will really break free from the reign of gravity. Then, the strain on my muscles would remind me that I am still on solid ground. But I run on.

On Thursday, this man with a parachute glided over my head above me. My immediate thought was, "Hey, this guy stole my thoughts." He was just gliding with great dexterity along the coast from Coogee to Bronte to Bondi and then back. His parachute was attached to a seat on which he was comfortably manoeuvring. He gave freedom another sort of image - a realistic and achievable one.

I stopped running and just stared as he flew across another bay. Then, I became very thankful that I am in Sydney, not anywhere else.

*****

I served at another formal dinner. I really am a perfectionist. I always have to restore the kitchen back to pre-dinner state before I can turn in, no matter how late it was. This time I finished at about 1.45am.

I may look absurdly obsessive-compulsive when I scrub away at the table but I really want old man to have a clean kitchen when he wakes up the next morning. I don't want to deny him the pleasure of his warm hospitality by showing him how difficult it is to clear up formal dinners.

And, I really want to tell old man that I appreciate him seating me with his guests at the dinners so much. He could have treated me like how Singaporeans treat their domestic helpers but no, he serves me.

For that, I cannot be more thankful.

*****

I am still struggling over my transcription of the interview. Today, I finally decided to try doing this with my custom in-ear monitoring earphones. It was those "what-the-f" moments. I should have just done this from the start. The clarity was obvious and I could hear some of the words with ease. They're just a tad too uncomfortable (cos mine are relatively inexpensive customs).

Out of nowhere, I got bored and decided to slip a chewing gum into my mouth. It struck me that just biting is SO LOUD (with my in-ears on). I could hear every movement of my mouth. It then occurred to me how loud we make our own world. Can I actually hear myself even?

*****

I cooked and served myself for another dinner just now.

I wondered how many dinners like this one can endure before he/she decides it's simply too lonely and boring to cook and eat yourself.

Then, I realised it really depends on what was on the papers I laid in front of me over the meal. Ironically, old man was just watching TV in his own room.

*****

I was gulping down some yoghurt when this random thought came up:

Yoghurt boxes are like a microbiologist's pet shop. "How many million are you going to give a home to today?" asks the shopkeeper.

Alexandre Desplat - New Moon (The Meadow)

2009-10-18T10:57:00.001+11:00

i'm not a super huge fan of new moon but i found this piece of instrumental very alluring.

The Killers - Live From Abbey Road 09

2009-10-14T21:51:00.003+11:00

few places have succeeded in becoming havens for good music; there's so much junk on the airwaves these days and clubs do no justice to real music. the abbey road studio in London is probably the most competent one producing music with quality that almost always surpasses that of original album versions. this latest instalment features The Killers again with three of their tracks backed by harps, violins, cellos and saxophones.

A Dustland Fairytale

Read My Mind

Human

Rainy Sydney

2009-10-10T19:05:00.000+11:00

Oh rainy Sydney!
I love it when you rain,
Cos you chase the flies away.
But you hurt me deep,
with those icy needles from above.

Oh rainy Sydney!
I love it when it's cold,
Cos you coat my breath with mist.
But the cold dark walks home,
reminds me of how lonely one can get.

Oh rainy Sydney!
How I wish you'd be nice,
Cos I'll find myself at home.
But your temper's hard to coax,
like that of a maiden scorned.

Christchurch Trip Log (27/9-2/10)

2009-10-07T18:38:00.004+11:00

i almost forgot i had this written during my backpacking trip in NZ so here goes!

Sunday 27^th September

Finally, it is my birthday (and it’s actually a Sunday). It was a horrible morning though. Having started packing at 1am and getting over it at 2.30am, I woke up at 5am in the morning dazed. The only thing I realized was that the previous night’s gale had chilled the city to a freaking 10˚C. Shivering, I methodically packed in those irremovable items, such as my toothbrush and laptop.

Despite planning to travel light, my 2 cylinder bags didn’t quite serve their purpose. Each had its own sling so when carried on both shoulders, they ached and I walked wobbly. Thankfully, I made it to the bus stop on time and boarded 400, the straight but long bus ride to the airport.

It may sound like a drag at this point, but I assure you my mood was BRIGHT and CHIRPY.

The flight with Emirates was such a pleasant experience (except for the long check-in, but wait, that’s the freaking airport problem.) I watched a Japanese movie, Suspect X on the flight. It was adapted from a show (a genius physicist, Professor Yukawa, who always solves crimes for the police) my sister and I used to enjoy at home. Three hours flights are SO easy and enjoyable, I hereby proclaim 3 hours as the perfect flight: you get just enough time for one movie, a meal in between and great take-off/landing thrills.

Landing in Christchurch is completely unlike all the other landings I’ve had. There were no limitless spans of urban areas, just mountains, trees and green fields. Also, the customs officer who looked at my immigration card and immediately greeted me happy birthday just made me feel so much better despite travelling alone.

Lawrence, Li Yi’s boyfriend, is such an amazing gentlemen. He really kept to his exact words he sent me just before I left Sydney, red t-shirt beside the Vodafone booth – it couldn’t have been easier. The fact that when you reached the airport, and there is someone there makes the place just much less alienating.

It’s the first time I’ve seen Lawrence but his Singaporean accent broke the ice immediately. Perhaps it was because I am alone abroad again, I cherished the familiarity found. He drove me to his office where I took a look at his laptop. The screen was dead, I concluded. He seemed happy enough with the diagnosis and asked me if he could recover what was in the hard disk.

Then, he took me to his place. It was an amazing 2-storey room with a connecting (but dysfunctional) kitchen. Simply, it was huge. And it only costs him NZ$100 (~A$80) per week!!! He ACTUALLY baked a chocolate cake for me too! I felt so darn touched I ate it all up.

Right after I ate it up, he pulled another impressive feat. He took me to the city and we walked the whole of Christchurch city snapping lots of must-see pictures. Next, he carried out his next plan for me, a mini road trip!

We drove to Lytteton where we took a look at the harbour (a real shipyard) and Sumner for dinner. Dinner was at a posh restaurant called Cornerstone. And almost spontaneously, he decided to drive us up to a hill where we could get a fantastic view of the city lights. I snapped a picture and ran back into the car because of the cold. That shot was not the best we saw but we both decided that some things are simply not meant to be photographed, they are meant to be savoured momentarily and etched in the mind. The whole sea of lights (think the shot multiplied by 50 times) we saw on that hill was one of those things. Later, we drove through thick mist clouding atop the hill, an experience of a lifetime!

During the whole trip, I asked him of how he got to Christchurch, his ideals and his notions of life. It was through his replies and stories that made me realized how he managed to stay so young (at heart and physically). He’s 35 but he barely looks like he’s in his mid twenties!

He was also conscious enough to remember to drive me to a supermarket to get food supplies for my long trip ahead and some chocolates for my friends.

After all of that, I was completely beat and we went back to his place where I took a nice bath and slept comfortably.

What a way to spend a birthday! This is probably the most epic birthday I have had so far and is definitely befitting for a 21st. Big thanks to Li Yi and Lawrence for making it so amazing.

Monday 28^th September

Lawrence woke me up at 7am. I had thought it was still 6am because I forgot that daylight savings started yesterday. I was actually quite shocked when he poked me awake. He had actually made me some breakfast.

I brushed up and packed up quickly as we departed for the train station to catch my 8.15 train. We waited for a bit and I thanked him almost excessively for his hospitality. I doubt I could live up to half of that myself if I hosted someone in Sydney! (I should really be reflecting!) Before he left, he gave me a tube of moisturizer because I told him the yesterday that I had forgotten to bring any.

After snapping a picture later, I boarded the train. And my journey alone began.

On the TranzAlpine, I had imagined I would be alone in the carriage because I was given a single seat (probably the only one on the train!) but some Indians from the states joined me. I can still remember their names: Raj, Nina, Tania, Susie, and James. This is WEIRD because I usually suck at this, a lot.

The trip through some of the Alps was simply surreal. I could not even take my eyes off the carriage windows. The scenery just drew me in. I did not even take out a book or my mp3 to pass the time. I can understand now why some people actually hope to restore classic transportation systems. Flights despite being fast are way too boring a way of travelling.

The train went through notable towns like Springfield and Arthur’s Pass. What justifies the price tag of 79 dollars? The blue rivers ebbing down the mountains, the snow-capped mountains and the beautiful wallpaper-like green pastures.

At 12.55, the train inched into Greymouth, my destination. There, I would take a shuttle bus to Franz Josef where I would spend the night. I think I was too exhausted from all the travelling that I barely remember much from this journey. When I first boarded, silent, messy and sleeping backpackers “greeted” me. The world of backpacking could be a little messy eh? I mused. How I wished there was someone I could talk to.

Even though I may act independent most of the times, I just realized that I had never been too alone. Most of my trips so far have had company, even this one, on the first day. All except that one night I went bonkers and decided to go to Sydney alone. I guess maybe I do need a listening ear sometimes to think aloud.

I half awed and half slept the 3 hours ride through Hottika, Ross and many other towns away.

And I found myself in Franz Josef. Where are the glaciers? I asked myself. But I decided I would find out tomorrow. For now, I am pleased to be surrounded by snow-capped mountains. Checking in to YHA backpacker’s accommodation at NZ$45 per night for a single room, I found that is it actually quite affordable. Furthermore, it is clean, of decent quality, and they actually have cooking facilities as well!

On my way here, I actually spoke to one of the travellers on the shuttle, an old bloke who used to work at a restaurant here. He recommended me to go to one called Alice May (and not the one he used to work at) for meals. The prices were unsurprising for a restaurant out in the mountains! It was at $15 for a meal minimum. I went for salmon and boiled vegetables at $29.50 because it was the special of the day (and I wanted some proper food). It tastes awesome and I’ll say even though it sounds expensive, it would have costed much more in Sydney (more than A$30 for sure).

I wanted to head to the common room to chat with the random people before sleeping but I couldn’t gather the courage to. It’ll be so much easier with a friend or two. Then again, with a friend or two I would probably be too lazy to chat with strangers. Interesting conundrum. Ended up typing out this entry to this point. Time to sleep. The glaciers await me tomorrow!

Tuesday 29^th September

It was another of those what-the-heck-it’s-morning-already mornings. I woke up at 8 still feeling tired. The sleep was incredibly comfortable for a backpacker’s and I actually snoozed for another 15 minutes.

Sensing I was going to be late, I brushed up and quickly went to the kitchen where I microwaved a pizza bun (sounds really classy but it’s really just bread with a thin layer of cheese and a tiny bit of ham). I tried not to choke as I gobbled the food down.

Given the past experiences about the booking sheets, I decided to be smart and carried my documents to be photocopied by the Glacier Guides earlier than the reporting time (9.15am). I did not even bring any of my equipment there but just my jeans and sweater. Glad I did that. After visiting them, I was given a small card with instructions on what to bring and wear.

I changed into the weirdest attire possible. I donned on my parka jacket with my Bermudas in this wintry country. But I came to appreciate this attire when issued overpants. Similarly awkward was my water bottle hanging off the clip of my Crumpler Three Million Dollar Home sling bag. I could not imagine it anywhere else.

We were altogether equipped with a pair of waterproof boots, woollen socks, and a Gore-Tex raincoat (gloves/hats were optional and I didn’t get them since I got my own). It was all pretty messy and I was the last one up on the bus.

There was only one available seat upfront so I sat next to a boyish-looking girl who turned out to be Irish. When I tried to talk, her replies made me stop. The accent was so thickly Irish that I could not understand her well at all. I let out a complaint that her accent was quite incomprehensible to me and I guess that insensitive comment stopped her from speaking anymore. I felt quite bad later because I realised she was just a very quiet person and she hardly spoke at all to anyone in the rest of the activity. And there I was just lamenting about my poor communication skills.

When we reached the car park of the glaciers, I continued to ask the question that’s been baffling me since yesterday, “Where are the glaciers?”

We began trekking through the forest, a temperate rainforest. Boots, rainy day, Gore-Tex jacket in a rainforest reminded me of a not-so-distant past. I cursed a bit and wondered why I came for this. I mean sure it was cooler but the humidity and vegetation (and mud) is exactly like that of Mandai, Bukit Timah or Pulau Tekong.

Then, we emerged from the forest track to probably the biggest rocky field I have seen in my life. Surrounding us are mountains of rainforest, waterfalls and finally, the glaciers. I swear that glacier looked nothing like I had imagined. It was a lot smaller, or so I thought. Walking through all the rocks, it never once occurred to me that we were simply in a huge valley. Yes, I am that dumb when it comes to geography.

The walk on the rocks turned out to be so much longer than I had imagined. The distance looked so short from far. Illusions. When we finally reached the ice, the excitement could be tasted. We were divided into 3 teams of 11 – the faster (first), the normal (second) and the slower (third). Somehow, I found this to be the most efficient arrangement! Everyone would love to be in the second; only a handful would want to be in the first because it sounds insane. Eventually people would move out of the normal group to either extreme.

Seeing there were not many in the leading team, I volunteered. It was a good and bad decision. Good because there will certainly not be any wusses around but bad because I am the only Asian there. This obviously meant I am the shortest and genetically weaker of the lot. I am suddenly very thankful for my fitness. Even the only lady who joined the group moved at such a pace that the group was never slowed. We went at whatever pace the guide took us at.

I must emphasise here that the moment I saw the first set my sight on a patch of blue ice, my entire trip to New Zealand instantly became worthwhile. I mean snow as much as it looks white and pretty is quite boring. Blue ice however just struck me as incredibly attractive. Probably more than blue eyes but that’s another story.

It was a lot of work, climbing. The guide explained later that what we saw at a lower altitude was an illusion. Glaciers are not just a flat sheet of snow, I now completely understand, they are very complex terrain. There are lots of cracks or crevices as I pointed out and the guide yelled, “Spot on!” He then corrected me slightly. He calls it crevasses (for cracks in a glacier) while I had called it crevices (for cracks in rocks). The glaciers also contain a complex plumbing system (a peculiarly familiar reminder of Patrick’s histology lessons) draining melting glaciers from smaller tributaries into larger ones eventually meeting up in large underground pools.

We kept climbing along flatter undulating ice at the lower glacier until we reached the huge kilometre-wide transverse crevices. These were perpendicular to our direction of travel (up and ahead) so there were only a few ways to get through them: zigzag way across parallel crevices, through ice caves, or climbing above them. We eventually did all of them.

In one of the ice caves, I took off my shades for a picture and then dropped it. Unknowingly, I took a step back to balance myself and I heard a cracking sound. Perfect, just what I needed, the bright sunlight reflecting off the snow and a pair of sunglasses with the lens fallen out. Luckily it’s just a cheap pair I bought in Melbourne and I’ll probably replace it in the next town. I’m getting sunglasses from different cities I go to. This could be a new but potentially cluttering and expensive tradition!

Given my track record and the crazy steep, uneven, icy steps and terrain we had to traverse, I am pretty fortunate to only have broken my shades.

As we climbed, each time we reached a peak, we would look back across the horizon. The valley looked further and further away. Surprisingly, however, the glaciers in front seemed never ending. It really looks impossible to reach the peak. On one scenic plateau (it’s not flat but it’s the best word), we stopped for lunch. Imagine this, surrounded by white/blue ice, overlooking a humongous valley and at the back snow-capped mountains the closest I’ve ever seen them. The berry-flavoured nutty breakfast bars in my hands tasted like the best cuisine in a long while.

It was 1pm now. I am so glad I signed up for the full day hike. The guide said the half-day one would have left off miles back while we are now still going to ascend. Being the first group, we climbed fast and reached the highest (about 600m high) with our guide hacking away ice to make new paths for us. The view from the top was awe-inspiring. The guide said if I wanted to pose I should take his heavy-duty axe. It was literally heavy and I can’t imagine he’d been lugging that and hacking ice all day long. But he says he enjoys the hacking and when he gets home, it’s all placid and boring. Note: he had been working outdoors since he was 18!

The guide told us many bits of interesting facts. For instance, his take on global warming. Some guy in the team asked about whether the glaciers were melting more quickly because of global warming. He feels that the current warming state is due to the normal cycle of the planet. Higher lowland temperatures bring about more evapotranspiration and hence form more clouds in the upper atmosphere. These inturn causes convection clouds bringing more precipitation to the highlands and giving rise to glaciers and snow. The glaciers bring cooler water down to the lowlands and snow reflecting sunlight directly back to space. Clouds themselves also act as a potent reflector of solar radiation. “With global warming comes inevitable global cooling,” he summarises. But he also mentioned the fact that humans are having an effect to the global temperatures accelerating warming but it’s still negligible at this time. Is global warming really just overhyped like swine flu? I had such strong stands prior to this that it is a real and significant problem. Now, I have a more balanced view.

Another story he told of were about birds. He said New Zealand had no mammals prior to humans except for some bats. The land was just home to birds big and small. The largest being a now extinct eagle with wingspans of 6 metres predating on other big birds 4 times the size of a person. “No dinosaurs, just huge birds,” I remembered him commenting.

The most interesting conversation was probably during the descent. A Scottish man saw me browsing through my camera and asked if I had taken a lot of good pictures. I said it was tricky because of the exposure and stuff. Then, he told me he was from London and had been backpacking for a year in Australia before coming to New Zealand for another 8 months now. He’s been living a nomadic lifestyle working where he visited. He had such an incredible story visiting more parts of the world than I can imagine. But, he has a family to get back to he said. So, he was going to visit Asia (Singapore, Malaysia, Sri Lanka and Bangkok) before he headed back to Europe.

I asked him how long I needed to backpack in Europe. “Take as long as you can afford!” he immediately answered, “Every town just a train ride away is so different in culture and architecture.” He suggested visiting every city: France, UK, Scotland, London, Czech Republic, Croatia, Spain, Germany (which is greatly suggested) and if I had time the Scandinavians finally ending off in Italy (Rome). “Bring lots of money though, it could be expensive,” he advised. He wanted to ask if I could take a gap year but remembering I was doing medicine, he suggested me to do my elective there. “Or even Africa!” he quipped.

On the bus ride back to Franz Josef, he even shared half a banana with me. At the end of the conversation, he asked if I was catching a bus. I obviously said yes. He, on the other hand, was going to be hitchhiking (which he described fondly as fun and unpredictable) till dark to see if he could get to Winnetka where he was going to do skydiving tomorrow. Amazingly, this one person gave me a good glimpse into the real world of a backpacking traveller.

Met Brendan, another Brit, after getting back from the glaciers. Most people here are from the UK! And he told me he was in another town earlier where a backpacker’s had 25/30 Germans. It was little Germany he says! I wonder if all the European children have an age when it is mandatory to leave the family to go travelling and see the world. I think it’s not too bad a thing. Asians are so much fewer in such places.

The guide reckoned we had gone through 12-13km for the day. I did that on 2 breakfast bars. (Not my best record, I lived on packs of cookies for 4 days back in army). My hunger let me to takeaway a ridiculously large portion of fish and chips at only $7 (insanely cheap considering I’m in a small mountain township). There were so many chips I got sick of eating them. Remembering Rahul’s words (and because I’m craving for something healthier), I went to the grocer to get kiwis as a tribute to the land I am on. It was so cheap! $1.70 for 5 even in the touristy mountains.

The day ended with me cleaning my camera lens near the unlit fireplace and me trying out the dry sauna in the backpacker’s – a preview to my enjoyable hot springs still to come!

This, however, was the most tired and sweaty I had been in a snow country. I think a t-shirt and a woollen sweater would suffice for such a trip provided the weather was good. My parka jacket was wholly unnecessary. I fell asleep at 11.30pm halfway through this piece.

Wednesday 30^th September

My alarm clock (aka cell phone) went bonkers. I remember charging it to full before sleeping but either the cold or the dying battery reduced to empty in the morning such that the phone was switched off! Thank God my body clock isn’t too shabby and I got up at 8.02am anyway when I set the alarm for 8am. It is an absurdly refreshing feeling to wake up in the mountains!

I microwaved the last of those pizza buns and packed up for my shuttle at 9.15am. I’m becoming an expert at this packing and moving thing. I was on time at the bus stop and managed to capture a few pictures of the snowcaps in the clear blue sky. They had been shrouded in clouds over the past few days.

On the bus, I completed the previous entry and begun on this. Now, it’s back to sipping at a hot cup of tea and back to watching random lakes and rivers amid vast pastures of grazing cows, horses, mules, goats and sheeps, until Westport.

The shuttle service stopped over at Greymouth again. The driver had to run some errands so he gave us half an hour to explore. I randomly walked around and found McDonald’s thereby proving that you can’t walk two streets anywhere in the world without hitting a McDonald’s outlet. Got a Chicken Deluxe burger because I haven’t had chicken in a while. My health conscious flag is up for the fact that I haven’t had any calcium, or vegetables for a couple of days now. Making backpacking healthy is probably the most challenging thing.

In the next leg of the journey, I was reminded of the Great Ocean Drive in Melbourne. It was a road beside the sea and the views were awesome. Unlike Melbourne however, this place is without people. Beaches stretch kilometres wide but there were hardly anyone swimming/surfing in them. There were not even many cars travelling along such roads. It looks untouched. Additionally, the beaches are broken by beautiful mouth of rivers most probably flowing from the Alps. It’s just amazing.

The next stop was interesting. Louis had asked me to go visit Pancake Rocks but I told him I had not made time for it in my itinerary. To my surprise, the bus did a stopover there! We were given half an hour to visit Pancake Rocks while the driver took a break. There was an amazing walk out to view the magnificent rocks. You can compare these rocks with the twelve apostles but they seem more intricate and there just weren’t as many people. I counted barely 10 people on the kilometre long walk.

Reached Westport and I was the only one who hopped off. It is no wonder the driver was surprised that anyone was dropping off here. It looked pretty dead and industrial. Furthermore, I had made another silly assumption. I did not reject coming to Westport because I thought that there was going to be some west-facing beach. To my utter horror, on receiving the map of the area, I saw that the beach was north-facing. Having that meant no sunset to view! Still, I wanted to see one badly. (In east-facing Sydney, you can see all the sunrises you want but the sun always sets in the city’s buildings.)

Following the directions to where my YHA backpacker’s accommodation was going to be, I navigated right pass it because it was labelled “Bazil’s” with “YHA” in small print below it. Lugging my 20kg luggage on my shoulders, I was not surprised to have missed it. The funny thing was, I stopped two overtly out-of-town ladies along the street and asked for directions thinking they could be staying there as well. They were unfortunately not but they were kind enough to try giving me directions on my map. Once I saw they were holding the map in the wrong direction, however, I wanted to laugh out loud.

I walked back in the direction opposite to where I was pointed and found the place. It was a nice and cosy house with a fireplace in the common room. I dropped my stuff off and unpacked minimally because I was only going to be here for a night leaving early tomorrow.

A slight drizzle did not dampen my adventurous spirits. So I followed the “not-to-scale” map to find the beach. It led me to be caught in rain, and crazy winds. It also led me to see a pony club, a lighthouse, a gorgeous rainbow ending in the sea, and a beautiful unpopulated beach. The awfully long and unexpected walk that bothered me at first became worthwhile. Even though I got a clear view of sunset at that the mouth of Buller River, I did not dare to wait for it. I figured it would be insane since I was already freezing in the 5pm bright sun. I can only imagine how cold it would be by 7.30pm when the sun starts to set.

Game plan change: I decided to follow the rainbow ending nearby to try confirming or busting the “pot of gold” saying. I must say, at some point I could see the rainbow ending near I could feel the prize nearby. Of course, eventually I gave up chasing it. I remembered my physics and how light works; I will never reach the end of the rainbow however near it seems to be.

Game plan change #2 (there seems to be a lot you can do when dropped off in a godforsaken town eh?): I finally got back to the main street of the town and I still wanted to see my sunset at least across the river. However, it doesn’t seem as easy as it can be because the bank of Buller River was mostly barricaded and marked with many “No Unauthorized Entry” signs. It just felt so restrictive and I cannot imagine any town planner would do that. Eventually, after walking along the river, I snuck through one of the industrial areas by crossing a railway line and some internal roads. Then, I found a small little opening among the bushes bordering the river. Walking through it was an amazing experience because the sun was setting right in front of me across the river.

Heeding the innkeeper’s recommendation, I dropped by Porta Bello for some rump steak at a discounted $12 for those staying in YHA (the usual price was a hefty $26!). This is by far the best steak I had in Australia & New Zealand! For such an impressively low price, I simply cannot believe it. I really wanted to tip but I thought I’d better use that to buy some milk from petrol kiosk nearby to give my forgotten diet some sense of normality.

After dinner, I took a bath and decided to sit with the cat by working fireplace to sort out my photos and write this entry at 9pm but 2 Israelis, Eyal and Ariela, soon joined me. We all agreed fully that this is a freaking ghost town. Apparently, they too were at Franz Josef the night before and they drove. They thought I really should have hitchhiked with them!

Then, I remembered one common point between the two countries: Singapore’s armed forces were derived from Israel’s. The difference is that there the females have 2 years of it too while the males serve 3 years! This set off lots of conversation, even with the lady (whereas Singaporean females would be so tuned out), plus they seem to know a lot about our culture and workings too. We shared photos. They had insane skydiving and National park ones! In an unimaginable time and place, we watched How I Met Your Mother season 5 episode 1 together because they were fans and I happened to have it on my laptop. It was a great evening with all of us tired out only after 12am!

Thursday 1^st October

Woke up at 6.50am this morning. It was blistering cold. There were only 2 power points and one was by default for my soap bar of extreme recharging. Last night, I voted to have the heater off and instead plugged in the bedside lamp so I would not have to kill myself turning off the lights at the door. Bad move. This place got so much colder overnight!

I had to heat up my pieces of clothing one by one before getting out of my pyjamas. I ate a breakfast bar and I packed up to catch my 7.45am bus. Sometimes I still think I’m crazy to be travelling alone because I only had one alarm clock (my phone) and if it failed, I’d really be stranded!

I braved the cold and walked to the distant Caltex station where I found other travellers. They looked like the locals who are going away to Christchurch city for the weekend. It was so cold (8˚C as I saw on a billboard) and humid that I had smoke even when breathing out of my nose. Crazy.

There was a stop after a bumpy ride right before Maruia Springs where I had a cup of hot chocolate at one of those motor lodges. And then, I arrived. Great, I am the only one dropped off again. As I surveyed the surroundings, the place was exactly as described. Isolated. It was just a couple of cottages surrounded by tall cloud covered mountains. Nice, I went from one ghost town to another. There didn’t seem to be anyone there.

Once I entered the reception area, I felt like I was taken to Japan. It was a beautiful place with nice Japanese folk music playing in the background. The garden is also styled just like in Japan. I love it. I really wish Sydney had a place like this too!

I was early so I sat at the expectedly empty café area and typed up this entry. I reckon it is the most beautiful place you could work at. Basically this place is the epitome of peace. While waiting, I thought I might as well grab some lunch. The only option was a jaw-dropping $8 pumpkin soup but the thought that the nearest convenience store would not be within walking distance convinced me to just pay for it.

When I first stepped into the room, I was shocked at the classically Japanese look. You can see the effort put into every piece of wooden wall, flooring, lighting, painting, and space. Outside my room in the patio, I could see a lone sakura tree standing there. This reminds me so much of my trip to Hokkaido last December. It is a pity I am alone here, I will really like to share this with my family and friends.

A sad thing though is that this area is plagued by sand flies and the room had quite a few. Luckily these flies are pretty slow moving and completely attracted to light so I had a good time smacking them. Best get rid of them before they start sucking my blood; sandfly bites are not to be reckoned with.

After reading up on the story of this hot spring, I was still very intrigued by how the Japanese take pride in their service (having observed it last year in Japan). They never make a fuss of what they do not have. Instead, they cleverly highlight it and make it known why you are better off not having it. For instance, this place has no mobile coverage to allow patrons to finally not be bothered by mobiles and enjoy their stay. It also does not have any entertainment, no TV, no radio. They call it part of departing from the clutter of the “outside world.” I concur with the concept of it being an urban getaway, after all if I wanted mobiles, Internet and TV, I might as well be home. This is truly a world detached from the worries of your life.

I enjoyed about an hour of indoor onsen after lunch. I will definitely not describe what it looks or feels like because the onsen culture is best experienced, not read. It was not as clean and beautiful as those in Hokkaido but I’m paying less than a quarter of what I did for Japan! Sipping green tea and chilling out to music is such an amazing experience after soaking in the hot springs. The wooden walls plus the unprecedented silence (the isolation mean traffic sounds) made the acoustics of the room amazing.

Dinner was lavish again arguably because of the location. The cheapest main was a $21.50 stir-fried yaki-udon. When I saw green tea ice cream on the dessert menu, I had both hands up. The yaki-udon tasted pretty good but the beef in it was no good. I finished the main quickly in anticipation for the dessert. It had been something I had longed for even in Sydney. Sadly though, here, it was not gelato, the ice cream just flaked away like a sorbet. Still, the familiar green tea with red bean combo was appreciated.

All trips to New Zealand should end in Maruia Springs!

Friday 2^nd October

It’s the last day already huh? I turned in early last night at about 10pm setting my alarm for 7.15am this morning so I get to enjoy the hot springs again before checking out. It was a rainy morning again which made it seem rather depressing. I guess it’s the “grass is always greener on the other side” thing because in Sydney I would hope for rain. Here, I’d rather sunshine. My bus at 9.55am would bring me back to Christchurch city.

In an unusually relaxed manner, I managed to check out at 9.30am. The receptionist let me know that I could wait by the fireplace for the coach to arrive.

I was eager to pick up the papers because I heard about news of tsunami over the radio on one of my bus rides so I was curious to find out exactly where. If it was anywhere near the coast of New Zealand, Mum will probably be worried sick. Worse still, I was in a place with no cell reception.

The tsunami had hit far north. I am lucky I wasn’t in the northern islands! I would have been at the north beaches when it happened had I followed the same itinerary there. That would have scared me a bit!

Coach came a little late but no matter, I’ve had a great trip and I could certainly wait. This bus ride crossing from West to East New Zealand soon became the most impressive one through my trip even though this was the only trip I did not have the window seat. It left the rainy rainforest landscape behind and drove into the sunny temperate landscape. Deep green mountains transited into undulating bright green pastures occasionally broken by huge vineyards.

Some time into the journey, I noticed a scene that was awfully familiar. Remember the Windows XP original wallpaper, Bliss, with the rolling grassland and azure blue skies? I have always thought that was a combination of clever Photoshop skills and photography. As soon as I saw the exact replica of that scene through the windows, I was dumbstruck. This was one assumption shattering moment. I did not even bother to take my camera out; I just stared. When I passed one such scene again, I made it a point to snap a picture but it was nowhere near that initial one.

Dropped off at Cathedral Square, the heart of Christchurch city, again, I decided to do the beautiful architecture of the place some justice. So, instead of having lunch, I walked around the city a bit. At the Cathedral Square bazaar, I picked up a cheap pair of shades for $18. I will not return to Sydney without sunglasses (or with a broken one for the matter), that’s eye-suicide.

One lesson I learnt is that navigating in an unfamiliar city is confusing enough so do not make it worse by lugging 2 large shoulder bags along. Luckily one of my sling cylinder bags had wheels but it wobbled too much for comfort. I was so dead exhausted I decided to just go to the city bus exchange instead.

Panting and sweating in the afternoon sun, I finally found my stop. I asked a lady if this stop had bus 10 to the airport. Fortunately she replied yes. Another major lesson learnt was to read the freaking manual. Lawrence had passed me a Bus 10 information brochure since day one and I had not given it a read except for checking the timing. “Trip to airport = $7” is what I should have known and not lugging my two huge bags with $4 coins in the middle of a long bus queue.

You see, in Christchurch, bus fares are priced at $2.80 if you are paying cash no matter how far you go. My next smallest change was a $50 bill so I asked if I could pay later. I guess that pissed the driver off and he said, “No, since were buses to airport $2.80?” I was quite embarrassed but finally dropped my bags and handed him the $50 bill.

At the airport came more shocks. The airport had a departure charge of $25. Again I was caught by surprise. You actually have to go to a separate counter to pay the charge before being allowed to the customs. Luckily, at the customs, there was the usual departure card system similar to Sydney and I filled that before getting into the queue.

Flight was delayed but all is well, I’m headed back to Sydney, my home away from home! Leaving hungry though because I missed lunch. This was satisfied by the cuisine on the flight. Emirates actually served salmon. The only time I had salmon in the air was with SIA’s business class. But this economy one with Emirates tasted even better! Also, a damaged headphone socket got me upgraded to Premium economy class. Cheers to more legroom! Had a good flight landing in a cloudy and rainy Sydney. Now, to get back to life with the newfound perspectives…

Goldspot - Rewind (Live)

2009-10-04T16:36:00.001+11:00

heard this from how i met your mother season 5 episode 2. a good laugh later, i think i enjoyed this song as well!

Happy 21st Birthday!

2009-09-27T00:54:00.003+10:00

sydney time, singapore time, new zealand time is FIRST.

A post for myself.

Erase the notions of a big party for your 21st (at least for those who are abroad!). Try something different. That is what I currently am doing.

My 21st birthday will mostly be spent on preparing for and boarding a flight. More incredibly, it'll be spent in two different countries: Australia and New Zealand.

But to make that happen, something has to be done.

PACK.

In a fit of procrastination, I thought I could finish packing very quickly. This is not unfounded. After all, in my experiences of packing, it is most effectively done no more than 6 hours before the packed stuff is needed. That is when the stress kicks in and things get done faster.

So I'm really starting to pack now at 1 am. Gosh. STRESS.

I'll be away from today till 2nd Oct. To contact me, please use my SG number +6591500827 as I've activated roaming for that number. Do note that I may not reply depending on the necessity as we all know how expensive roaming is!

Freaking windy.

2009-09-26T22:22:00.003+10:00

i remember not too long ago when we had to turn in drafts for our written reports the following week, one of the lecturers ended saying, "Have a drafty weekend!"

This weekend is INSANE. Winds have been blowing relentlessly.

I saw good sun in the evening and decided to go jogging. Note to self: DO NOT go outdoors when there is "severe weather warning" issued for "damaging winds". I think I understand now what is "strong to gale force winds" which go above 60km/h. It is wind that blows at you and makes you think you're skydiving.

The "cold front" described really means wind chilling the usual 19˚C spring night to 12˚C now at 10pm. It's just going to get colder later into the night. And I thought I had unplugged my heater for good (and actually considering buying a portable air-con).

Red Sky in the Morning

2009-09-23T22:03:00.003+10:00

literally

I woke up 7.30 am this morning to crimson red light filtering through my blinds.

I actually remember waking up a little earlier at about 6+ am and actually thinking I'm in a dream and going back to sleep.

The second time it was my alarm clock that woke me and I realized I had not been dreaming. (And I had not been teleported to Mars for that matter.) Outside, the world was indeed painted red. I was really taken aback when I looked out.

I could not see anything > 2 streets away. There was supposed to be a sea of houses in that picture!

In uni, my sydneysider friends were eager to correct me that this DOES not frequently happen in Sydney if at all. Haha, it's kinda funny because we'd assume this is a usual occurrence in Australia. Apparently, it was simply extreme winds blowing dust from the dry areas in western/south western australia over.

This phenomenon is however deeply etched in anyone who experienced it...

For me, it was a novel I read so long ago. For others, it's Mars, Armageddon, end of days, War of the Worlds, red sky out at sea... There are just so many references especially towards big ominous events. What if it was real? You wake up seeing red and you walk out into something like Will Smith's Legend.

That's a sobering thought.

The Strike

2009-09-16T09:32:00.004+10:00

wth

I woke up at 7.30 am this morning as usual. Got dressed and reminded of my many wounds: left palm, right elbow (worst by far), right knee (second worse), and left knee. It was a cloudy lazy morning so I took a bit more time to get ready giving heed to the stinging wounds.

I was running a little late as traffic was plain b*tch making the bus ride last forever.

When I finally reached the university bus stop, there was a man giving out flyers and guess what it was for the lecturers' strike today.

HOW COULD I HAVE FORGOTTEN!!!

They made us stay back for lectures yesterday from 5-6pm so we could have a late start this morning (practical at 11 am). Damn. Now, I'm just stoning.

The Manly Accident

2009-09-14T00:39:00.003+10:00

manly is a place, not an adjective.

Thought I'll take a good day off to Manly today and rent and bike to ride in Australia for the first time. It went quite well until...

I was riding and a car sped up next to me, I thought he was going to go straight (hence the speed) but who knew it just swerved left right in front of me and I braked hard. I pulled the right side brakes because of my habit in Singapore: the right brakes equals rear wheel which had a longer braking distance but much much safer than the front wheel brakes.

Here in Australia however... damn it, the right hand brakes work on the front wheels. With that, I flew forward about 2 to 3 metres and landed pretty badly in front.

The car just sped off.

I was in utter shock as a few passer-bys went, "OUCH." Two older ladies then came over and asked if I needed help, I told them yes I could use some help.

They helped me to their place and washed up my really bad grazes on my right elbow (the worse), palm, and two knees. They also helped me dress the wound up a bit and served me a hot cup of tea.

It is really crazy the wounds and they still sting like crazy (and are open) now...

What the...

2009-09-13T09:29:00.004+10:00

profanity

This is seriously one of the most WTF moments I have had as a Singaporean. I had always thought we'd be able to hold up heads up high in the world because of our command of at least two languages (including English) and our ability to switch to our native/colloquial tongue at will. Apparently now, I have to hide my head in shame. After listening to the latest episode of mrbrownshow, I imagined they had come up with a complete parody of the Miss Singapore Universe 2009 but to my utter disgust and shock, they haven't; it was just the real thing.

This is a joke right? No? Damn it.

Respite

2009-09-10T19:30:00.002+10:00

well-deserved.

As I looked back on the last course (in the past 8 weeks), I wonder to myself what I had been through. There was devastation, sorrow, recovery, normalisation, pre-contemplation for major change, contemplation, major change, initial shock, gradual adaptation, busy, busy, busy, insane workload, then finally today, it ended with an examination.

It was hard to fit grief into any of that. There are stages of grieving says some but I have no idea whether I had even begun, or will ever begin to grief. Life just took me and laid on my shoulders with more and more weights. The last three weeks had me turn in a 2,000 words individual assignment, a 2,500 words group assignment and prepare for an exam with stuff I missed or didn't pay too much attention to. In some miraculous way, I survived the insane pace life ran me at.

It had not been smooth sailing. I had spent a solid 6 day of non-stop revision to complete about 80% of my revision. At 3 in the morning, I was in bed and clutching on to my liver anatomy notes. Then, I made a decision that 4 and a half hours of sleep is probably going to do me better in exams than trying to cram this set of notes into my head.

My head spun as I struggled to rise at 7.30 am this morning. I gambled and took a bus I never took before to reach my exam venue. The sun shone on me all the way through so there was no point in trying to read. Thankfully, I alighted at the correct stop surprising even myself; I always mapped the exact route I needed to walk to a bus stop and the bus number but for some reasons, I always forget about my destination.

The 2.5 hours examination was gruelling but I reckon I could pass. I made a few silly mistakes like prescribing the wrong drug (there were SO MANY) but I think I should still make it.

Now, lying in bed, relaxed with an aching back and neck (inevitable consequences of last minute exam preparations), I am just thankful I survived.

Jogging to Bondi beach

2009-09-06T17:05:00.005+10:00

magnificent

I know I am supposed to be studying but I spent some time plotting out the route from my home to Bondi beach (one of the famous Aussie beaches) and worked it out to be 3.865 km away. It's an amazing coastal route which tempts me to jog so often!

Plotting out the route with Google Maps Distance Calculator.

*****

Today is Fathers' Day in Down Under. Ironically, I just ponder over my reluctance to say, "Happy fathers' day," when I could.

Baby Tantrums

2009-09-03T20:49:00.003+10:00

this is probably the funniest video ever put on in a lecture. i cracked up really hard. i'm posting this to commemorate my 2 weeks of no comedy videos from 14th - 28th August. it was a challenge (for clinical & communication skills) to give something up for 2 weeks so as to experience what it means when doctors ask patients to give up say, alcohol.

okay, to be frank, it sucked. i am not too sure if it was because of me giving up comedy videos that i was able to complete my assignment or the other way around. (of course shortly into the challenge i realised no comedy videos meant i could still listen to comedy podcasts =P) i never knew i was that addicted to humour. it comes second after music i think.

A letter from not so far away.

2009-08-05T23:11:00.004+10:00

sometimes people forget the value of a simple letter. emails don't seem all that great when compared to a letter written with effort and genuine concern. "yours sincerely" just does not sound as sincere when is printed effortlessly on the screen in millions of emails exchanged daily. when penned down however, it just feels more tangible.

Green Day - 21 Guns (Live from Abbey Road)

2009-07-28T00:08:00.002+10:00

another Abbey Road thing. i think this is their only new song i can actually listen to from start to end. it's got that old green day touch.

And in the end,

2009-07-25T17:13:00.003+10:00

finally

it is simply ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

The wake concluded in a cremation with lots of strained emotions. I struggled to deliver a teary eulogy. But yes, at the end, my dad's whole life resides in an urn as well as the memories of those who he once lived with.

Coldplay - Strawberry Swing

2009-07-20T23:30:00.003+10:00

i've never really looked forward to a music video before (in fact, i didn't find this song all that appealing) but when i saw the trailer to this, i could not wait! it is 100% frame-by-frame goodness. and well, it's coldplay and therefore awesome.

Link to official video: http://www.babelgum.com/3022304

Youtube version which will probably be removed:

Back in Sydney

2009-07-19T22:40:00.002+10:00

after a lot

Thanks to vicky, I was upgraded to Business class!

I think the service is awesome. For one, they address you by Mr. . And when they serve you something, they come back to check if you enjoyed it. It's really overly good service with a personal touch. Food was also absolutely brilliant and served in courses.

It makes me wonder how many business classes dad has flown before and I guess I also got him to thank for this one. I owe him more than he owes me...

I've just finished unpacking all the boxes and restored my room back to before I left. No one moved in while I was away so I vacated for no reason. But it's okay, I love my room the way it is.

The missing post + D-day.

2009-07-15T06:29:00.003+10:00

what was i to write?

I had been back from Sydney for a while now because of "familiar obligations" - a phrase I overused to express my disgruntlement at the amount work to be done once I got back. You may find it hard to believe or even heartless to think in that perspective. However, having been born and bred in a meritocratic environment, I had the propensity to believe the hard work I put in for the last semester deserved a good break.

True enough, when I got back, the home I had was in a state worse than I had imagined. My room had been turned into a dumping ground. The bed which made my room looked like a room was moved into my mother's room (where the master bed had been tossed to make room for an incoming hospital bed). The kitchen I knew as a spick and span place where mum whipped up dishes for us had transformed into an untidy beast. A place where the walls were splattered with dried stains and the table tops had ants sprawling all over.

As a guy, my brain is wired to solve problems. Unlike the females in my family who dealt with emotions a lot more. Although to be fair, they had done pretty well to keep the house running while I was away. They just couldn't churn out solutions to problems as fast: I fixed up the bad computers; I taught my younger sister how to use her new macbook proper; I cleaned up the kitchen so it returned to the state where someone could enjoy cooking; I talked to mom, elder sister and elder sister and understood their concern; I tried to help by being emotionally supportive though to not much avail.

My presence was not futile. At least I knew no one could be really sad for extended periods in my positive and assertive watch. But as much as I wished, I couldn't mend all the holes nor heal all the hearts. Most of all, I could not help my dad.

To be frank, I lamented spending most of my time here in hospital. I spared a bit of time for my friends who I know do miss having me around because I missed them too. I cursed the hospital for wasting my time, time I could have spent with mum, sisters, family, friends and just soaking up the familiarity of the place. I even, at times, hated my dad for doing this to me.

My dad had been lying in the hospital for more than four months now. One and a half months into my medical school, he dropped this bombshell on me. Along with that were many unsolved problems and a distorted family. He made me feel silly for having such a misconstrued perception of my family.

Still, like all the world would argue, he is my biological father. My blood came from him. Even though he is not the best dad in the world (trust me, he is far far from it), he is still my dad.

I will always remember the last time I saw him well. It was the night I was departing for Sydney. It was the first time he had stepped into the house in years. He came, like all fathers who are sending their child abroad would come. He came with anything he thought would help me settle into the new place: a Maglite flashlight, a parker pen (which I realised was spoiled on the plane), a 16GB thumb drive, his watch he which unstrapped from his wrist, and badly worded well-wishes.

And most importantly with his life's hard work, my exorbitantly priced medical education.

I had left believing he would come to visit me in April as he promised. It was this kind of hope that kept you thinking, "Hey, everything's gonna be alright."

Then, came the call. I forgot the date, it was inconsequential. And there was that weekend I got home right after he fell ill. It was a crazy 36 hours.

He recovered a bit after that, well enough to be able to send an sms of messily typed words. It was near that time that he got two cardiac arrests and news ceased. That made me book the flight back to Singapore to visit him and settle my administrative tasks.

Now, I feel bad for my reluctance to visit him in the hospital. Those visits were so taxing for mum and sometimes pointless I felt. On a good day, he could open his eyes and see. That was it. But fortunately it was one of this visits that will make me feel better, the fact that possibly the last father and son moment we had was pleasant.

It was last Saturday. I brought my macbook pro with me to visit him. I had planned that if he did open his eyes I would show him all my photos taken in Sydney. All the great oceans and perfectly blue skies. He was awake when we visited. Like mum had hoped I would have done, I showed him a slideshow and talked along. I could finally speak to him; previously, I didn't find the topics to. It helped mum a lot to know that I spent time with him and he actually stayed awake throughout. After all the pictures I played him some songs till he was asleep. I even bugged mum to leave the hospital after that.

That moment was so inconsequential. In my head, I still thought dad would be like any other stroke victim and have a long (but definite) recovery. I thought I had many more opportunities to share things with him. I thought mum shouldn't spend so much time in hospital and dragged her out of there (so many times). Death never felt near, at all. You could say I believed the books, I read up his case and thought once he survived the first rupture, he'd have a 50:50 chance at a full recovery or a persistent vegetative state.

It just didn't feel important to be spending every second of my vacation here with him (though mum made me spend a lot of it there in the ward). I think I have to thank her for that.

Today, dad's conditions took a turn for the worse. A second haemorrhage was detected. And from the CT scans, most of his brain is gone. The doctor hinted that should he survive the night, most of his cognitive functions would still be lost. He was resuscitated with dopamine a couple of hours ago and we were to decide now if further resuscitations were to be carried out.

This is the closest to losing my dad I ever felt. I never thought it would be this difficult.

After all there were so many things dad failed to do as a father. We had not done things we both enjoyed together before, be it jogging or photography. He never taught me to shave; ironically, I helped him shave just 3 days ago on Sunday. He never gave me what I would remotely call family time for most of my conscious life. He never even told me he cared. And he had just been a strict disciplinarian when we were growing up.

There are obvious things I wished he never had done. He did not, ever, need to be the first patient I saw dying. Never.

I was in the lift when my sister sent me the message that dad might not survive the night. My phone hung and just blacked out. I never got to read the message until after I bathed and restarted the phone. I guess that was the moment I should have realised I was losing something so quickly I could not even comprehend.

D-day is dad's day. The day I realised I cared. Or rather, that it was foolish not to.

At a loss

2009-06-28T21:19:00.001+10:00

it takes some time to get used to

I've realized some things I have forgotten in the rush to get back. The most important being the fact that I was returning home. I was just packing and cursing about packing.

Now, I am back, I getting recollections of:

What a decent airport actually looks like.

The usual talkative taxi drivers you see.

Pristine and green roads.

Ubiquitous construction sites.

The humidity.

Big toilets to bathe in. Big sink for washing clothes.

The existence of televisions.

Family. Friends.

(I haven't even started on food.)

Things you do when you're bored of studying

2009-06-23T23:50:00.002+10:00

really

You decide to eat on your study desk instead of the dining table
You do a Google search of what you're eating (for me it was curry)
You listen to weird music
You watch an old movie (like Phantom of the Opera)
You go swim/jog
You look out of the window, A LOT
You wait for time to pass, just for fun
You start to make random notes all over the place
You eat (if you're in Australia, it'll definitely be something from Arnott)
You talk to random people on MSN/in real life
You wonder if you'd ever finish studying
You blog

Lol.

First full rainbow!

2009-06-20T13:50:00.002+10:00

never saw this before

Thought the previous rainbow was good enough. Then, this afternoon, it was the same rainy borish Sydney winter weather. Until I decided to look outside...

You can seriously see one end of the rainbow to another! My camera can't even capture a full shot. And if you notice hard enough, a second band of rainbow is above the first one!

Spectacular!

On comedies and libraries

2009-06-19T20:27:00.002+10:00

one of those "don't try it at home" entries

Never, ever, ever try to watch a comedy in a silent library, not even if you had your headphones on.

I went to the library with half an episode of "How I Met Your Mother" season 3 finale (I so have season 4) and decided to carry on watching it. The sad thing is, I nearly exploded inside out.

And there was a security guard walking by, and boy it looks seriously stupid to be squeezing your nose trying hard not to laugh when the rest of the library is studying hard.

Fair deal of fun though. I love the series.

Study time!

The thickest, brightest Rainbow

2009-06-18T19:21:00.003+10:00

you never know what you're missing if you just forget to look out of the window

This is a look outside my window during my 2 hour lunch break this afternoon. I dare say it is the best rainbow I've seen in my life so far!

Snippet

2009-06-17T13:55:00.002+10:00

a piece of my life

Exams are just next Thursday and I have a bucket load of notes but I haven't started revising.

I just finished my individual assignment, 2000 words worth of complicated stuff, at 3.30 am on Monday.

That deserved some closure hence the hiatus till now (and a celebratory drink yesterday because we'll miss our steak Wednesday this week...).

In the coming days I'll start studying. There're be 6 full days of break before the exams from Friday. I need to make full use of it.

I should mention that I need to bid perfectionism farewell and stick myself somewhere in the top 50% of the class so I won't fail by any chance ;)

And I'll pile on some clothes so I don't feel too cold and miserable.

I love what I'm studying so I should love revising =)

Pixie Lott - Use Somebody (Cover)

2009-06-15T23:46:00.002+10:00

this is probably the best acoustic rendition of this song.

Kasabian - Underdog (Acoustic)

2009-06-11T22:27:00.003+10:00

let's be frank, recently, there hasn't been much good music churned out. i can hardly remember the last album i truly enjoyed that's been recently released. then again, some music is better than no music. here's one that caught my attention in the myriad of average new stuff. solid stuff really. it's music like you've not heard for a long time.

it's so cold and dry these days my face and hands are all cracking up. sometimes, you don't realise that the only person making you feel cold and miserable is yourself. turn on the heater, pile on a bit more clothes, put on scarfs, glove up your hands... it's cool to be warm.

Coldest day in Sydney

2009-06-10T15:55:00.002+10:00

when your fingers freeze.

Today is expected to be the coldest day in this year's winter with temperatures from 7˚C to 14˚C. It is terribly cold when I got out of bed to grab my breakfast this morning I was shivering.

Having no idea how to exercise in this weather, I went swimming.

Things had been overly busy. We just handed up our group assignment yesterday and now I'm being rushed to complete my individual assignment along with study for an impending exam on stuff I have yet to understand.

It is not easy but I know we'll all pull through.

So FREAKING cold.